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Thursday, March 30, 2006 by Mellie


Do you ever wonder if any of the homes you've lived in remember you? If some part of that place calls out to you, drawing from feelings and emotions still contained in those walls, as if it has kept pieces of you that no amount of moving or cleaning were able to remove?

There is one place in general that elicits those feelings from me, which is why I avoid that part of town whenever possible. Driving by it today, I remember the sensation of the itchy beige carpet on my back as we made love in his office, how cold certain spots in the house were no matter how high the thermostat was turned up, how multiple people commented on how the coal-burning fireplace looked like a gate to hell. I remember the happiness and the pain there, and they call to me.

It's no secret that Bear and I have a rocky past. We've gone up and down quicker than the fastest roller coaster, made it through things that would rip ordinary couples to shreds. I'm not sure why that apartment contains those feelings for me. We were incredibly dysfunctional there and the most hurtful things we've ever said to each other were inside those walls. Maybe the passion of the time calls out to me. I'm not sure what it is, but I know that the ghosts of Grove Street will haunt me for much longer than I expected.


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Come on, springtime!

Monday, March 27, 2006 by Mellie


When I walk outside, I can immediately smell it in the air. That intangible smell of spring that lingers in the atmosphere, particles that whisper promises in my ear as I try to make it through the last remaining vestiges of my winter life. I don't truly settle into the new cycle of life until after daylight savings time (which, remember, is April 2nd this year!), so these last few days are always filled with stress and rushing around. I'm not pagan any longer, but I still feel the pull of the seasons as strongly as I did back then. To ignore them would be psychic death to me, so I work with my body and nature and do what feels genetic to me.

Mainly, I'm trying to wrap up loose ends and enter the spring clearly and knowing where I stand. My cyst is refusing to budge (although it is a bit smaller), so the new season will probably see me facing down medical challenges and trying to be strong. My daughter is also suffering through a dental problem, so I have to be a good patient as well as a good mother to teach her that dentists and doctors are not people to be afraid of (even though I'm TERRIFIED of them). We're moving soon, and getting married, so I need to start seeing those are positive forces in my life instead of stressors that complicate and change things. I can't wait to get married and move away with him. I need to calm down.

I'll probably be posting more. Get ready for it. I still need to write about how Bear broke me with his wonderful cock this weekend. I literally heard a popping noise and saw stars. But, really, did I need my cervix? *grin*


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Thursday, March 23, 2006 by Mellie

I'm annoyed. It's been 6 hours and I still feel angry at him. I went to the gym and tried to sweat the anger out, but it's still raging around in the back of my head. It's not even righteous anger. It's hurt. It's feeling less than important. It's the ridiculous lack of self esteem that I have sometimes that, lately, is being continually fed by minor things - saying "yeah" when he answers the phone instead of "hey babe," going to shows that we had originally planned to go to together (my babysitter canceled and the show doesn't start until 11:30) instead of coming over to spend time with me.

It's telling me that I'm the one getting cold feet, when he is continually coming up with reasons why we need to put it off. It's making me crazy. It's making me doubt that he evens wants to spend the rest of his life with me, especially now that we've put getting married "on a back burner." And I'm being told it's me being difficult. That hurts.

He can't stay on the phone with me until 11:30 last night, but he can drive 45 minutes to go to a show that doesn't start until 11:30 without me. How is that supposed to make a girl feel? Because, really, I don't feel anything other than cast aside. I know this is venting but, fuck, I've done everything else I can think of to get this out and it's not working. *sigh*


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Happy Spring!

Monday, March 20, 2006 by Mellie


Even though we're under a winter storm warning, it's still officially the first day of spring! :)


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Sunday, March 19, 2006 by Mellie

Have you ever had one of those days where everything seems to be going wrong? Where you want to lie on your back in the hole you feel has been dug around you and just look up instead of trying to figure a way to get out of it? Today is just one of those days...

But I'm shaking it off. I'm home now, I found my missing debit card and I'm getting some spring cleaning done (the first day of spring is tomorrow! Finally!) while trying to draw myself out of my head and into the real world. I have a habit of disappearing in there. Everything seems bigger and much more important in my head. I'm a realist, a very calm and rational person these days, so when I'm on the precipice of having an emotional break down I breathe deeply and pull myself back. Getting freaked out about money, weddings, school, work... breaking down doesn't help. Headaches don't make me any more money, the wedding doesn't plan itself if I whine about it, stress can't do my homework and crying doesn't put puppies into casts. That's the truth.

Back to scrubbing my oven. I'll write more tomorrow. :)


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Thursday, March 16, 2006 by Mellie


I took this picture last week, driving towards the city. It was after sunset; after all the colored hues had disappeared and the world was waiting for darkness. I almost feel that way this evening. I'm waiting for the darkness to come, because the light can't be too far behind that.

I'm stressed out. For those of you that know me well, stress isn't something that I show too often. I manage my life so that I'm not caught off guard. I may be mostly submissive, but if I can't be in control of my own day to day operations I tend to freak out.

I've got lots on my plate, mostly not of my own choosing. Bear and I just can't figure out how and when to get married. I'm not a white dress, big day type of girl, so it's mainly figuring out who we can get to marry us (no one religious - we've actually thought of asking a friend to get ordained for the day to do it) and when. Feelings are being hurt, too much time is being dedicated to something that should be sweet, simple and meaningful, and I'm just not in the mood to stress about what other people will think if they find out a week later.

But then, today, I went to the doctor. Apparently I have a parotid cyst in my jaw. My doctor believes that it should clear up with antibiotics but, if not, I should be prepared to get a cat scan and talk tumor in 4-6 weeks. This is just completely unacceptable to me. On top of everything else that I can sit down and discuss out, this. I'm annoyed, to say the least. Needless to say, this fucking cyst has 10 days to mellow out or I'm going in with a razor and cutting the fucking thing out. I might get married with a giant open wound on my face, but I'm not dealing with an unauthorized growth in my jaw. Guess I'm more dominant than I thought. *grin*

I know I don't ever wrap up blog entries, but I don't care. This is what it's like to be in my brain.


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Ah, Sundays...

Sunday, March 12, 2006 by Mellie

We had only just gone to bed at 4:30 A.M. At least, it seemed that way. It was 9:30 AM and Bear and I woke up to the morning not the least bright eyed and bushy tailed. In fact, if we had to be compared to an animal, I would call us honey badgers (they're the meanest animal in the world, if you didn't know! I'm a walking National Geographic!). If anyone else would have been in that room, we may have physically killed and eaten them. Together, we're would have been the equivalent of ten death row inmates encountering a helpless 80 year old woman in a dark alley. She wouldn't have stood a chance (not that I condone beating and robbing old women - I hope to someday be one!).

We somehow pulled it together, wiped the sleepies out of our eyes and lounged around for an hour or so. We talked about everything - the fun we had both had the night before (separate nights out with friends that combined at a piano bar and ended at Denny's - the epitome of drunk food), our impending marriage (probably April 7th, people, mark your calendars!), what we were doing with the rest of our day... and I resisted kissing him because my breath felt like it smelled somewhat like a skunk had crawled into my throat and died (impossible, of course, and it probably was nowhere NEAR that bad but I'm EXTREMELY paranoid about that sort of thing and obsessively brush my teeth multiple times per day).

We were lying naked next to each other on our backs when he asked me to turn towards him. There was a sweetness both to his voice and his eyes that couldn't let me neglect or turn him down. He was looking at me with such innocence and love that I rolled over, threw both of my arms around his neck and pressed my lips against his. We melted into each other, tongues wrestling as his arms slipped around my waist.

Now, something you need to know about me is that I usually hate foreplay. It might be a quirk left over from my younger days when time to be alone was in short supply and I just wanted to get the deed done (with whoever that was at the time). But after kissing for a minute or so, I got impatient. His cock was pressing against my leg, my body under his with my legs wrapped around his hips, and I wiggled and tried to maneuver it inside me. I writhed around, making little tiny circles, trying to get leverage on the bed to impale myself onto him.

One thing you should know about Bear, since we're sharing, is that he both enjoys and hates it when I get "slutty" like that. This morning, he was unimpressed. My hands were swiftly raised over my head and held down while he made little jabs with his cock, aimed mainly at driving me insane (and, probably, teaching me a lesson). Where he gets this patience, I will never understand. I know I don't have even a smidgen of what he has. Anyhow, I was moaning and whimpering and biting my lip so hard that I'm surprised they're not swollen and bleeding.

He probably spent a good ten to twenty minutes teasing me - biting my nipples, licking and nibbling the insides of my thighs, flicking my clit with his tongue - and he'd stop if I'd thrust or move. Soon I learned that if I laid there and let him hurt me, let him tease me, let him drive me crazy... well, pleasure was a great motivational factor. I laid on the bed, my body screaming impulses into my brain that my mind worked hard to resist, and let him have his way. Once he decided to fuck me I was so subbed out that I would have done anything he asked me to.

And god, you guys, his cock... words can't describe. I never thought I would be a size queen but, three years and change later, I totally am. (Just like I always thought I didn't enjoy jewelry until I put this AWESOME band on my finger at Kay Jewelers today - picture at the end of this post for the gratuitous effect! Still trying to talk Bear into that one - it's an XBox 360 or that baby...) God, I'm such a fucking woman - stopping to talk about diamonds in the middle of sex talk!

Anyway! He wasn't sweet, he wasn't gentle, hair was pulled, marks were left, places on my body are STILL sore twelve hours later... and I fucking love him AND the sex we always seem to have. *shakes head* I still feel aroused thinking about it. There's just something about being on hands and knees in front of a strong man, tears running down your cheeks from the strength of the hand in your hair, your pussy throbbing from the abuse it's getting and wetness spreading down the inside of your thighs from the power of the orgasms overtaking you every few minutes... simply wonderful.

We had a great rest of the day after that, including an asparagus flan with fondue and truffles that was OUT of this world and a custom made strawberry white chocolate frappe at what is officially my favorite coffeeshop in town. A perfect end to a great weekend, if I do say so myself.

Now, enjoy the new love of my life... and someone help me with the Xbox/wedding band dilemma! I'm both a geek AND the girl; it's really unfair. The new Final Fantasy on Xbox IS out soon though... decisions decision!


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Thursday, March 09, 2006 by Mellie

Ugh, the best picture that I have ever taken isn't showing up as my profile picture! I have an extreme fondness for pin-up art and the picture is pure cheesecake. I look sinful. Hopefully it will show up soon.

I'm gone for the weekend - tomorrow night I'm staying in and watching movies (Thanks, Dae, now I've had to go rent Shaun of the Dead again!) and Saturday night is girls' (and Parker) night out. Should be lots of debauchery - I'll take plenty of pictures. See you all soonish!


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Tuesday, March 07, 2006 by Mellie

Shhh... listen closely. Can you hear it? The tiny chirp chirp chirp, the almost audible humming. The mound of pink flesh between my thighs has made her choice. She needs attention, needs it so badly that a mere movement or accidental brush sends tingles and shivers up and down my spine. I can't condemn her because I understand; I need it too. Does it make me less attractive to want to be hurt? Am I less interesting because I crave for you to make me submit?

I give in, every time. I give in because it takes less power to submit to my need than to fight it. Here I am again, sprawled out on this computer chair as my lust overtakes me. I whimper, then I moan, then the heavy breathing takes over as my body goes into autopilot. I buck against my fingers, barely paying attention to the juices that run down the underside of my body. I'm yours at this moment. You own me now more than ever before, even though you're nowhere near me. My lust is payment to you, the ultimate tribute to how aroused you make me. It's a price I pay with glory and pride. It's a price I hope to pay for eternity.


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Monday, March 06, 2006 by Mellie

I might be fairly MIA for a little while because my work at This Big Hush is taking precedent right now. I'll try to post at least once a week to keep you all updated on my life, but it's really very boring right now.

Here's a Aine list:

-Rejoined Collar Me this week, mainly looking for like-minded friends in the area. So far, I haven't been hit on by one dom (which is good because that means they're starting to read!).

-I've stepped up the jogging, doing several miles a day. It's becoming my most pressing addiction.

- I'm dying for lack of submission. Grrrr. I need to submit; it's creeping up around me like heroin addiction. Someone cure me...

Or buy me a T-shirt.











That is all for now! :)


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Just a Saturday evening alone...

Saturday, March 04, 2006 by Mellie

Mmm... slight intoxication usually makes for the best posts. Or the most misspelled. I guess tonight's ramblings will be a bit of a gamble.

News first - I have reincarnated This Big Hush. It's a labor of love and I hope everyone visits and comments often. Show us some love!

Right now, and perhaps it's because of the alcohol, my mind is a lovely blur of random images. I'm generally quite an outgoing and introspective person (chalk it up to my dual Libran nature), so this "horny" sexually outgoing behavior is unusual without it being tempered by realism. I've gone months without sex; why is this small waiting period digging its nails into my skin (and not in any lovely sadistic way)? I can be quite impatient, but generally not on this scale. *shrugs*

Anyone, I'm going to go before I embarrass myself by naming all the friends and acquaintances I want to have sex with and how I'd like to do it. Don't tempt me, you really don't know who would turn up on that list. It might just be you... *evil giggle*


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Limits, or the lack thereof.

Friday, March 03, 2006 by Mellie

You'll have to excuse me if this post seems rushed, a recent lack of sexual contact has left me more "on edge" than usual. It's with good reason, his back spasms have been flaring up more painfully this time, but I'm still feeling deprived.

Anyhow... last night I was having a conversation with someone that I hope to be able to call a friend (in the most meaningless internet turn of the phrase) in the near future, and the conversation turned to limits. Mainly, if we had them and what they were. I answered with honesty, at least I thought I did at the time. Over lunch and a glass of Riesling I may have changed my answer.

Sure, I have hard limits. I would never take part in any sexual activity with animals or children, but I also believe that limits are not set by the individual. Limits are set by the couple. Something that feels right in one relationship may become a hard limit in another. For instance, I would never have dreamed of trusting my ex-husband with any sharp objects around me but I would, and have, let Bear draw blood. It feels ok in this context, in this relationship.

So my answer to the limit question is simply that - with few exceptions they're all able to change. I consider it a strong personality trait that I am capable of reconsidering things without negativity. If something I believe is wrong, I have no problem saying so and working to change it. Of course at this point, a week or so into involuntary abstinence, I'd probably let someone do much more intense things. I'm simply that needful. I'm overwhelmed with the desire to be hit right now. So much so that I'm almost willing to do it myself...

On a side note, I was teasing my best friend about adding her to the site with the concept of creating a bisexual or not poll. She simply can't make up her mind. Help her out. :)



















Guess my best friend's sexuality? She's VERY confused.
Look at that girl. She totally loves only the cock.
Oh, stop fooling yourself sweetheart. In the middle of a boy/girl sandwich is where you want to be.
Keep that cock away from me! Only pussy here!
Free polls from Pollhost.com


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Thursday, March 02, 2006 by Mellie

The belt connected with the girl what felt to her to be a hundred times. Truthfully, though, it was only around 30. It was the time spanning between the stokes that made it seem to last forever. The pregnant pauses, the smirk of triumph on his face as he waited for the perfect time to strike again, the way that each tiny welt seemed to hold a world of pain in its miniscule grasp... these things drew the time out so far that the clock on the wall wouldn't have moved even if she willed it so. And she had been trying to will it for minutes now.

The interesting thing was that the pain had suddenly become duller. Each stroke not only hurt less than the first, it also seemed to heighten her sensual awareness and translate into pleasure. With each slap, her pussy grew wetter. In time, she had soaked a large circle of fluid onto his jeans. It was too late to go back now, and she threw abandon to the wind.

"Oh please, fuck me. Hurt me. Love me," she moaned.

He grinned; it was just what he was waiting to hear. If there were such things as angels, they would have been singing a chorus of "hallelujahs." He paused for a few minutes, appraising the situation and thinking of what the most satisfactory way to take his slut would be. She could feel his eyes on her body, still cold and calculating.

He slid out from under her and draped her over the bed, her tip toes barely touching the floor as her arms laid bound and straight above her head. He nipped at her again - ears, neck, back, insides of her thighs. As he nipped her clitoris, she tried to squirm away from him. His hand fell quickly on her welted ass and she screamed into the bed.

"Don't do that. Don't fight me."

He was so hard that she could feel him without even having him touch her skin. It was the scent of a man, so masculine and intoxicating, the slight scent of arousal and the prehistoric drive to fuck and conquer. She shivered as he touched the head of his cock to her pussy; she could feel it trying to pull him in by sheer desire. He paused there, touching her lightly but not going any further.

He growled out, "Say it."

She bit her bottom lip hard enough to make it swell against her front teeth and fought back the urge to say anything. Her submission had always been hard won, and this was no exception.

He wound her hair into his fist and pulled her head back to him. He looked her in the eyes.

"Say it, cunt. We're going no farther until you say it."

Everything was conflicted then. To say it meant to accept defeat, but to not say it meant to continue the fight and forestall the pleasure. Her head and her pussy were urging her to do opposite things, but her pussy always won out. For better or worse, that's where her loyalties always lied.

"I'm yours," she whispered into the bed.

"I'm sorry? I didn't hear you. "

He yanked on her hair again, forcing her to look him in the eyes.

Again came the quivery voice, "I'm yours."

"Was that a question?" he replied. "I'm not sure you meant that."

He slid his cock into her a few millimeters, enough to remind her what was at stake. She tried to wiggle back against him, but his hand held the back of her head to the bed.

"I'm yours. I've always been yours and I'll always be yours."

"That's right, slut. You're mine."

With that, he shoved his cock into her with as much force as he could muster. She could dully feel the tip trying to push through her cervix as she floated somewhere above the bed, looking down and watching. The girl enjoyed subspace, but sometimes she wished that she could be wholly present in her body for at least a moment. She wanted to savor the pain and the pleasure. In that moment, there was both.


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Wednesday, March 01, 2006 by Mellie

I assure you, I am working to finish the story. I'm just taking a little breather to let it flow - if I try to rush or push it out then it's never as articulate as when it writes itself.

I stumbled on an old blog I used to write for a year or two ago, This Big Hush. I would link you, but there's been no activity since about this time last year. I really miss that site and all the insightful women on it. That's where I first was introduced to Bliatz, Yen (where are you, dear girl, since Diary-X met its maker?), Remittance Girl and many other intelligent, strong submissive women who changed the way that I think about this lifestyle and all the people in it. We either need a reincarnation of that site or a new one... something that fantastic should never be allowed to die.

For as big and diverse a world as this is, it still never fails to amaze me how alike people can be that live thousands of miles away from each other.

*I decided to link to it so you can see all the subjects that were broached there. For the record, I'm M and I used to write a blog called Sexual Anarchism before that current incarnation of the relationship combusted and forced me out on my own (which, for all who are wondering, was the best thing to ever happen to me).


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Wow...

by Mellie

"The survey found more people could name the three "American Idol" judges than identify three First Amendment rights. They were also more likely to remember popular advertising slogans."

Say it with me people... freedom of religion, speech and press, the right to assemble peacefully and the right to petition the government for a redress of grievances. Am I the only one who paid attention in school?

Next week you'll be quizzed on exactly which amendment gives people the right to bear arms. By the time Bear gets finished with law school, we'll both be very dangerous people. LOL.


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about


"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-- I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference. -- Robert Frost, The Road Not Taken

I'm like that, I'm the untaken road. I walk the path that's filled with jagged rocks, spooky trees and no sunlight - but I come out the other side wiser. It's always worth the price.


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