If I was a better writer, I could describe the way watching each individual leaf on the huge buckeye tree outside my practice makes me feel. There is a primal nature to it; one that makes me want to immediately rip my clothes off and go tearing through the front doors and out into the wind.

I've spent the majority of my life pretending to be like other people; pretending not to feel things as deeply and intensely as I do. It's difficult to ignore and not get caught up in the small moments of life instead of "keeping my nose to the grindstone" and practicing the mundane and menial like the rest of the population seems to be doing.

I'm not built like that. I feel, with heightened senses, which is why I sometimes come off as cold and hard. I build up those walls so that people don't understand how easy my heart is to capture and break. Very few people have seen into the courtyard beyond those walls. I'm fine with that.

But now you know my secret. This is why meaningless connection, the wide expanse of the internet and random sexual encounters, have been such a huge part of my life. I relish them - they keep me from attaching and getting hurt. The more I can fuck and run, cut and run... well, the better off I am.

This entry was posted by Mellie, on Thursday, May 24, 2007.