When I made the decision to start writing here, it was mainly to document my submissiveness and my sexual adventures. The beginning statement from my first post, the words that I uttered to begin this project, were:

"I am a submissive. I make no apologies, I accept no condemnation. It simply is who I am, my basic genetic makeup has made this my fate since before I was born."

This site has blossomed into so much more for me. I've learned about myself in ways I never thought possible, watched myself change and grow in infinite directions. Although I have gotten away from the original intent, I feel like I'm still valid in my thoughts and desires for writing here. There is the occasional pang of guilt that I'm not following through with some unsaid promises for lascivious words and prurient intentions, but I hope that some pleasure is still derived from my words.

In that first post, I promised honesty. The beautiful or ugly truth. Here it is...

Simply put, I'm not having sex currently. A few months ago that would have horrified me. A few years ago I would have told you that I'd have put a bullet in my head by now. While I'm still consumed by my more base instincts (I find it incredibly hard to fall asleep without making myself come first), I'm finding pleasure in other more understated things.

This morning, I helped my man clear his car of all the ice and snow that has fallen lately. He sat in the car most of the time while I took my aggression out on the nearly one inch accumulation of packed ice and at least 2 inch accumulation of snow that covered his entire Ford Escort. We may not be fucking, but I still get pleasure out of serving him. I'm not submissive in non-sexual situations, a bit hell no to that, but I felt accomplished that I could still make his life just a little bit easier by giving up a few minutes of my time.

I also get a lot of pleasure from Phedre, though we're not currently sexually involved. Watching her doze off on my couch, her head in my lap, or talking about nothing while we're eating lunch out makes me just as happy (and perhaps, more happy) as fucking her would. I've never existed in relationships without sex before; I'm proving to myself that I can do it and that it's not quite as horrid as I imagined it.

I'd still fuck them both at this exact moment if they walked through my door, though. Having hands in my hair, being held down and having my clothes ripped off is one of my favorite past times. As is making beautiful girls cry while ripping their perfect skin to shreds. You know what they say... you can take the girl from the sadomasochism but you can't, well, that doesn't make sense but you know what I'm getting at.

My apartment is also much more spotless with all that channeled energy. You win some, you lose some.

This entry was posted by Mellie, on Tuesday, December 05, 2006.