I remember, once upon a time, when life was black and white. It consisted of right and wrong, good and bad, life and death and was more simple because of that. If I wasn't in before the sun went down, I was grounded the next day. If I didn't study, I got a bad grade.

I really miss those times. Life these days is complex and serious, resulting in many long and sleepless nights deciding between the better of two evils. It's always a damned if you do, damned if you don't scenario. There's simply no way around that.

Bear has been pushing for monogamy. He loves me, I know and see that, and wants me all to himself. I can't honestly blame or punish him for that; I am an insanely jealous person and would never be able to handle him dating anyone else, same sex or not. I love him too, more than anything.

But there's Phedre. We're friends, essentially, but our level of emotional involvement is way deeper than that. I have strong feelings for her and have spoken with her recently about Bear's desire for monogamy. Although we've never stated our feelings for each other out loud, I know that I'm breaking something that means a lot to both of us.

I'm hurting inside. What's new, really? I have a future with Bear, a marriage and a family, but can't seem to get her out of my head.

This entry was posted by Mellie, on Friday, November 17, 2006.