The soothing embrace of darkness always leaves me feeling most creative. It's almost as though I'm wrapped in a cocoon, listening to nothing but the clicking of my fingernails on the keyboard. I can hear the words coming out, imagine them forming the end result instead of fighting against the background noise of neighbors, television, music, the cell phone, my daughter, etc.

The corner of my eye catches the colored reflection of the Christmas tree on my apartment colored walls (It almost pains me to type the word "Christmas," but it pains me from a different perspective to use the slang and unappealing grammar that is "Xmas."). In my chilly home, with the lights in the background, I can almost feel the spirit of the holiday. I'm not quite there, like I'm lying on my back wishing for an orgasm that I can almost feel but am not sure will actually materialize. That waiting is a killer.

My mother always told me to "fake it until [I] make it," but that's partly what has led me to become the cold and emotionless monster I am today. Strike that. I'm not a monster and I do have emotions and general warm fuzzy feelings, it's just that I'm unable (most times) to express them with any sort of grace or dignity. Crying feels like weakness to me and letting someone else see me so vulnerable, well, that rarely happens.

What I really want for Christmas is to be able to open up and feel the spirit of the season. I want to get caught up in life and forget my troubles. I'd like to be able to express my emotions to someone, just to call and say "I love you" in the middle of the day with no rhyme or reason, without the receiving party assuming there's something wrong. I'd really like that.

This entry was posted by Mellie, on Saturday, November 25, 2006.