I just finished watching a movie called Green Street Hooligans, which started my recently creaky brain into motion. The movie is about soccer (or football, for non-Americans) hooliganism. Ignoring that it's about people in England and relating to a sport, that could have been my teenage years. I was a very violent youth; always picking fights with people and shooting my mouth off. I ran with a more rebellious crowd (CMS, mainly. And no, I won't go into what that stands for.) and was just generally a very disaffected youth.

Right now, all I want to do is put my fist through something or someone. It wasn't the movie, at least, not directly. It's that I'm filled with so much rage and unrest lately and no good outlets for it. I go to the gym a lot, sweat out a lot of it, but I'm still stuck with this overwhelming pit of my stomach feeling. It's the feeling you get before a good fight, the feeling when you know something is about to go down and you can't speed it up or slow it down.

I feel like this every fall; one last burst of energy before I hibernate for the winter. I'm capable of so much repression of emotion, so I enjoy being able to feel something before I'm forced to turn it off and batton down the hatches. It reminds me that I am indeed human, no matter how much I pretend not to care or get involved. As much as it pains me to admit that, I care. And I fucking hate caring.

This entry was posted by Mellie, on Tuesday, October 10, 2006.