Generally speaking, in my life I find myself at my most comfortable when there is a healthy level of buffer zone. I have a fiance, who I love very much, but is also very homebound due to his health situation (which, I might add, he has finally decided to take back into his own hands!). I have a girlfriend who is my connection to the outside world - we go to bars, to dinner, to movies, etc. I have a handful of friends who live in the same geographical area as me, I have friends who used to live in the same geographical area as me but have since migrated to other parts of the country and I have friends who I've never met but that I correspond with online.

There are few people in my life that transcend any of those boundaries. Have more of a home life with my girlfriend? That would require letting her into my personal home space. Sleep with any of my current friends? No no no, then I'd have fewer people to go shopping with. Meet any of my online friends in real life? I doubt that any relationship could last past the realization that I'm (or they are) flawed.

It might not shock you to hear that I've been accused of being very compartmentalized. And that's true, I absolutely am. I feel safe that way. I like having the designations on my cellphone - friends, colleagues, family, etc. I'm working on being more open, but I still find it extremely hard to put myself out there in any sort of realistic way. I think that I'm perhaps the most introverted extrovert in history.

An friend(/ex-lover and girlfriend/soulmate/too many categories to name) here once told me that I place too much emphasis on labels. I've shyed away from that consciously, but the draw and appeal is still there for me. And, of course, she's right. She's always right. She's one of the very few people to go above those labels. We've been everything you can possibly imagine, and none of that has ever made me uncomfortable. I just wish I could learn that with the other aspects of my life.

This entry was posted by Mellie, on Wednesday, September 27, 2006.