At the beginning of Bear's health problems, I'll admit, I was not quite the mellow girl you see before you today. The man I loved was in pain, significant amounts of pain, and I could do nothing about it. I cried myself to sleep some nights, thinking of how different our lives were going to be and dwelling on everything I was going to miss out on.
Needless to say, his zen-bear "it is what it is" attitude mildly offended me. I couldn't handle it. Every time that phrase would come out of his mouth, I nearly flew into a rage. How could he say that?! Even worse, how could he actually feel that way?! That's unheard of. It is what it is... bullshit. What it is (and was) was awful; what I needed was that parental pat on the head and to be told that everything was going to be alright, regardless of how true or untrue that statement actually was.
Nearly 6 months later, my views have changed substantially. I've said before that I don't believe in god and I don't, really. I do believe in lessons learned and the importance of the little things, those momentary spots of uncomfortableness that teach us much more than simply drifting through life unscathed. I'm much more comfortable with the uncomfortableness these days; in fact, I relish those moments as the few I truly feel alive.
Have we had a satisfying sexual relationship lately? No. Yes, that makes me feel uncomfortable, but mainly because so much of my self-worth as a teenager was wrapped up in being physically pleasing to someone else (I obviously valued myself a lot back then *laugh*). I've learned to enjoy the small moments of intimacy that we hadn't really had in the previous few years - we cuddle, we lie in bed together and talk... we don't skip all the more meaningful parts of our relationship and jump right into fucking like rabbits. We're so much closer for that and, if I had let my libido get into the way, we wouldn't have gained all that. Of course I miss it, it's a basic part of myself, but it will come back and I'm not suffering in the short-term. Not really, anyway.
I love him, for what it's worth. Of course, I have my moments of feeling helpless and lonely - we all do. And I feel those things, really feel them, when they appear. But mostly, I learn. I watch, I listen, I feel, I learn and I move on.
I am who I am. But I am also a work in progress. If you see value in me, in the journey, you'll be there. If not, if your lives are much too busy to find room in your heart and with your time for me, then I simply wish you good luck on your life path. We all have our lessons to learn, regardless of how grown up we wish we were. If I ever stop growing, stop learning, my life will be over. I would want nothing less.
Needless to say, his zen-bear "it is what it is" attitude mildly offended me. I couldn't handle it. Every time that phrase would come out of his mouth, I nearly flew into a rage. How could he say that?! Even worse, how could he actually feel that way?! That's unheard of. It is what it is... bullshit. What it is (and was) was awful; what I needed was that parental pat on the head and to be told that everything was going to be alright, regardless of how true or untrue that statement actually was.
Nearly 6 months later, my views have changed substantially. I've said before that I don't believe in god and I don't, really. I do believe in lessons learned and the importance of the little things, those momentary spots of uncomfortableness that teach us much more than simply drifting through life unscathed. I'm much more comfortable with the uncomfortableness these days; in fact, I relish those moments as the few I truly feel alive.
Have we had a satisfying sexual relationship lately? No. Yes, that makes me feel uncomfortable, but mainly because so much of my self-worth as a teenager was wrapped up in being physically pleasing to someone else (I obviously valued myself a lot back then *laugh*). I've learned to enjoy the small moments of intimacy that we hadn't really had in the previous few years - we cuddle, we lie in bed together and talk... we don't skip all the more meaningful parts of our relationship and jump right into fucking like rabbits. We're so much closer for that and, if I had let my libido get into the way, we wouldn't have gained all that. Of course I miss it, it's a basic part of myself, but it will come back and I'm not suffering in the short-term. Not really, anyway.
I love him, for what it's worth. Of course, I have my moments of feeling helpless and lonely - we all do. And I feel those things, really feel them, when they appear. But mostly, I learn. I watch, I listen, I feel, I learn and I move on.
I am who I am. But I am also a work in progress. If you see value in me, in the journey, you'll be there. If not, if your lives are much too busy to find room in your heart and with your time for me, then I simply wish you good luck on your life path. We all have our lessons to learn, regardless of how grown up we wish we were. If I ever stop growing, stop learning, my life will be over. I would want nothing less.
This entry was posted by Mellie, on
Wednesday, August 30, 2006.
