It's always the most dreary of days that make me the happiest. There's something so easy about blue skies and fluffy white cumulus clouds... it takes no drive and imagination to find them inspiring. It's bright, it's pretty, it's unbelievably cliche. And, honestly, these days those peppy people that seem to really enjoy those sorts of days irritate me beyond belief.

Give me dark, rainy, stormy and gloomy afternoons any day. If that means the hair I so dutifully straightened gets curly again or the mascara I just applied begins to run down my cheeks, I'll revel in it. I'll dance barefoot in the rain, fighting that growing need to take off my clothes and roll around in the wet grass, while every else sits inside their houses and succumbs to their depression.

I embrace that side of myself, more fully now than ever before. I used to listen to nothing but loud, grinding, antagonistic music to filter out the ugly side of my head. If I acted hard enough, if I fought strongly enough... I couldn't be depressed. Right? Of course that wasn't true. Over time, I learned to use other methods - sex, alcohol, cutting - but they never could compete either. Living with that inner sadness, understanding that it's a normal and necessary part of life (a beautiful part, even) has helped me grow leaps and bounds from that troubled kid I used to be.

I like to believe that, in my eyes, you can see the world. The profane, the symbolic, the beautiful and the ugly, the heroic and the cowardly; life in its most stark and contrasting nature. I wish I could tell you what you add to that.

This entry was posted by Mellie, on Wednesday, July 12, 2006.