In every good relationship, there's always a moment of understanding. It's almost an audible clicking when things slam into place; when your subconscious mind and body understands, more highly than your conscious mind, that you're meant to be together (at least in that place and that time).
For me, it happened on a single day. It had to be about 4 years ago sometime soon, although I've never really kept track of things like that. We had known each other for a few months, off and on, through emails, instant messenger and a few face to face hangouts at bookstores and coffeehouses. There was always a connection there, but we were both trying to shut it down and lock it in tight. I was married, trying to convince myself that I was happy, and he was leery of getting involved with me. To this day, I've never been able to get a straight answer out of him. He'll never tell me when he decided that he was attracted to me, or when he let his guard down enough to investigate.
After flying back from Arizona, we started hanging out more. I'm not sure what it was - the lack of friends, the need for companionship or maybe a sense of something more - but we decided to get together and "chill." He was crushing on some other girl and I was utterly confused, but there was some weird sexual chemistry between us that refused to be so easily put away.
I don't remember too many of the specific details... we must have walked miles and miles that day with his, and eventually our, dog Dude. I remember seeing A Mighty Wind and having this odd need to hold his hand, but instead I pulled one of those macho shoulder bumps that people do when they're too afraid to show their real feelings. I'm such a ridiculous girl sometimes, but I know every girl out there has done that little hip check at least once. Am I wrong?
It all ended up in a local park though, sitting next to each other on a picnic table in the dark as the wind began to kick up. The air was warm, almost sticky, and the threat of stormy violence was so thick it could almost be tasted. There was a hum between our bodies; the need for them to be closer and to touch. It was the first time I had ever really experienced something like that... and it terrified me.
I remember walking over towards the creek when he pressed his body against me. My head nuzzled into his chest, as it often does because of the foot of height that separates us. We had hugged before, we had even kissed once before, but at that moment the world just seemed to stop.
As my body was pressed onto the warm and wet grass, I remember thinking how right everything felt and how necessary every moment that lead up to that was. The collection of my experiences from the last few months, every decision I made and every decision that was made for me led up to that. My skirt hiked up around my waist, I felt every blade of grass under me just as intensely as I felt his fingers exploring my sex.
Even though we didn't have sex that evening and even though a tornado almost hit when we were most oblivious, I still remember that night as the night I knew things had changed. The interesting thing for me is that I still don't know what happened inside of him. He's a writer, he can write two million times better than I can, but I still don't know the other half of my story. It's a little frustrating, to say the least.
Clicking is like that though. It may happen for one person, but never for another. As someone who is, only recently, venturing into a pseudo-polyamorous relationship, I hope to find that small zen moment again. I also fully expect it to not come close to matching the glory of what Bear and I have together. Nothing is ever the same twice. Life is like that... it catches you off guard. I wouldn't miss that for the world.
For me, it happened on a single day. It had to be about 4 years ago sometime soon, although I've never really kept track of things like that. We had known each other for a few months, off and on, through emails, instant messenger and a few face to face hangouts at bookstores and coffeehouses. There was always a connection there, but we were both trying to shut it down and lock it in tight. I was married, trying to convince myself that I was happy, and he was leery of getting involved with me. To this day, I've never been able to get a straight answer out of him. He'll never tell me when he decided that he was attracted to me, or when he let his guard down enough to investigate.
After flying back from Arizona, we started hanging out more. I'm not sure what it was - the lack of friends, the need for companionship or maybe a sense of something more - but we decided to get together and "chill." He was crushing on some other girl and I was utterly confused, but there was some weird sexual chemistry between us that refused to be so easily put away.
I don't remember too many of the specific details... we must have walked miles and miles that day with his, and eventually our, dog Dude. I remember seeing A Mighty Wind and having this odd need to hold his hand, but instead I pulled one of those macho shoulder bumps that people do when they're too afraid to show their real feelings. I'm such a ridiculous girl sometimes, but I know every girl out there has done that little hip check at least once. Am I wrong?
It all ended up in a local park though, sitting next to each other on a picnic table in the dark as the wind began to kick up. The air was warm, almost sticky, and the threat of stormy violence was so thick it could almost be tasted. There was a hum between our bodies; the need for them to be closer and to touch. It was the first time I had ever really experienced something like that... and it terrified me.
I remember walking over towards the creek when he pressed his body against me. My head nuzzled into his chest, as it often does because of the foot of height that separates us. We had hugged before, we had even kissed once before, but at that moment the world just seemed to stop.
As my body was pressed onto the warm and wet grass, I remember thinking how right everything felt and how necessary every moment that lead up to that was. The collection of my experiences from the last few months, every decision I made and every decision that was made for me led up to that. My skirt hiked up around my waist, I felt every blade of grass under me just as intensely as I felt his fingers exploring my sex.
Even though we didn't have sex that evening and even though a tornado almost hit when we were most oblivious, I still remember that night as the night I knew things had changed. The interesting thing for me is that I still don't know what happened inside of him. He's a writer, he can write two million times better than I can, but I still don't know the other half of my story. It's a little frustrating, to say the least.
Clicking is like that though. It may happen for one person, but never for another. As someone who is, only recently, venturing into a pseudo-polyamorous relationship, I hope to find that small zen moment again. I also fully expect it to not come close to matching the glory of what Bear and I have together. Nothing is ever the same twice. Life is like that... it catches you off guard. I wouldn't miss that for the world.
This entry was posted by Mellie, on
Saturday, May 20, 2006.
