I'm very surprised with myself. I'm usually incredibly creative; scribbling notes for blog entries on the backs of old receipts and faded grocery lists from months ago. I usually can't stop my mind from gushing forth random thoughts and concepts or different ways to state the same ideas I've had for years. Lately my head has been the quiet buzz of many tiny inspirations; an almost swirling white mist that won't allow me to plunge my hand into it and pull something concrete out (Oooh, it's so tempting to insert a Harry Potter reference here. I'll refrain, for now!). I'm feeling quite like an impetuous little girl, stomping my foot and furrowing my eyebrows in an attempt to coerce something, anything, out.
And plainly, it's not coming. I have no inspiration. I'm going a million different directions at once...
Bear is, well, being a bear. He's stuck in the apartment 24 hours a day because of his back problem, and I'm having to be the rock in the relationship. That's draining all on its own, because it's hard for me to be so fucking tough all the time. I'm quietly breaking down on my own, mourning the absence of the love of my life and dealing with his new pensive mood. Being strong requires the opposite of strength, sometimes. It requires knowing when and where to break down, quietly.
I'm done with school for the semester, but adegree change and new responsibilities at work are keeping my ass toned and tight with all the running I've been doing for them. I absolutely love my job (I've never had a job that has left me so positively emotionally drained at the end of the day. I literally leave tired and with a gleam in my eye.), so it's a great change.
My daughter is my daughter, and requires plenty of time and attention. It's become more apparent to me lately that I need to be a little less "fun-time happy" mom and more of a "helpful, teaching her the correct ways to behave" mom. She's smart, energetic, loves life... but she has my tact and inability to filter. I should apologize to her for her bad genetics. Between her father and I, she's pretty fucked.
I'm pseudo-dating this amazing girl, so we're trying to get to know each other better in our extremely limited time together. I'm very fond of her, so I won't talk too much about her in order not to jinx it. My superstitious nature is definitely not a boon, but it gives me something to believe in. I think I'll knock on wood right now.
So there you have it. Life is on hold right now while I perform typical stress management. I'm working out probably 6 hours a week and drinking a glass of wine before I go to bed at night. I'm trying to breathe, to be as zen as possible, and remember that life is temporary. Pleasure, pain, happiness... everything is a state of mind. And I'm just currently on the sidelines, trying to figure out a quick and easy way to rejoin my game currently in progress.
And plainly, it's not coming. I have no inspiration. I'm going a million different directions at once...
Bear is, well, being a bear. He's stuck in the apartment 24 hours a day because of his back problem, and I'm having to be the rock in the relationship. That's draining all on its own, because it's hard for me to be so fucking tough all the time. I'm quietly breaking down on my own, mourning the absence of the love of my life and dealing with his new pensive mood. Being strong requires the opposite of strength, sometimes. It requires knowing when and where to break down, quietly.
I'm done with school for the semester, but adegree change and new responsibilities at work are keeping my ass toned and tight with all the running I've been doing for them. I absolutely love my job (I've never had a job that has left me so positively emotionally drained at the end of the day. I literally leave tired and with a gleam in my eye.), so it's a great change.
My daughter is my daughter, and requires plenty of time and attention. It's become more apparent to me lately that I need to be a little less "fun-time happy" mom and more of a "helpful, teaching her the correct ways to behave" mom. She's smart, energetic, loves life... but she has my tact and inability to filter. I should apologize to her for her bad genetics. Between her father and I, she's pretty fucked.
I'm pseudo-dating this amazing girl, so we're trying to get to know each other better in our extremely limited time together. I'm very fond of her, so I won't talk too much about her in order not to jinx it. My superstitious nature is definitely not a boon, but it gives me something to believe in. I think I'll knock on wood right now.
So there you have it. Life is on hold right now while I perform typical stress management. I'm working out probably 6 hours a week and drinking a glass of wine before I go to bed at night. I'm trying to breathe, to be as zen as possible, and remember that life is temporary. Pleasure, pain, happiness... everything is a state of mind. And I'm just currently on the sidelines, trying to figure out a quick and easy way to rejoin my game currently in progress.
This entry was posted by Mellie, on
Wednesday, May 10, 2006.
