When I was a little girl, I never dreamt of a Prince Charming that would come and sweep me off my feet. There was never any romantic fairy tale home with a white picket fence and 2.5 children. In fact, I can't remember ever thinking fondly of the future. I was happy, my food was paid for by someone else and I only had to clean my room up and sweep the kitchen floor every once in awhile to earn my keep. I had it easy. Adulthood always seemed like the monster looming on the horizon, waiting to snatch me out of my nice, simple life and thrust me into the "real world." Or, at least, what my young brain envisioned the real world to be.
Looking back on it now, I can see that I was absolutely right to fear adulthood. Most dreams are crushed in this stage of the game. Lives can become meaningless death marches before you can blink. I've still never really settled on the idea of the Prince Charming character. I still don't want the stereotypical house in the suburbs. Hell, most days I don't even like dogs. Let alone want to spend the rest of my life with one. I'm an independent, slightly self-absorbed cat lover and I'll be one until the day I die.
Now, that doesn't mean I don't love the ones I share my life with. I'm grateful for Bear and I hope that the rest of our life together is happy and filled with love and kindness. I hope that's the case, though I know that any lifelong relationship can be rocky. Mainly, I'm glad that he and I share a similar world view and non-conformist nature. I was watching a commercial for some cleaning product the other day and I found myself getting very stressed out by the concept of the happy white sterile home with the smiling perfect mother/wife and her wild children running around. That house, that atmosphere... it makes me feel icky. My house is a mess. My daughter is a wild woman. Fuck, my cat has tried to kill multiple people. Bear and I have non-traditional bedroom personalities (read: if either of us emerges without bruises, abrasions and/or bite marks we consider it a failed encounter). We're like a suburban nightmare. And I love that about us.
On the perpetual eve of marriage and moving... I'm finding myself getting a bit, er, terrified. The first time I was married, I was a wife. A cookie-making, house-cleaning, husband-servicing, baby-making machine. I was polished to a shine for the Army. Sure, I still was gritty around the edges and had dirt under my nails, but I was everything I thought a wife was supposed to be. I gave up like 80% of myself for my husband, and that's not what he wanted. It certainly wasn't what I wanted, and I'm terrified that that is going to happen again. I don't want to be taken for granted or ignored, but I also don't want to be smothered to death. My submissive persona way too easily grafts onto the man who finds me worthy, and I don't want to give myself up for Bear when that's obviously not what he wants. But I can't find a happy medium. I never thought I'd be struggling this hard to want to be the best partner I can be 3 1/2 years into the relationship. I've never really settled in here, for various reasons. But I want to. I need to. It's all just so overwhelming.
My main question is this... why, when I'm so independent, am I also so needy? Why can't I escape every one else's expectations of me? Why do I feel like a failure if I fail to attain those standards of a happy homelife? Those are the $64,000 questions.
Looking back on it now, I can see that I was absolutely right to fear adulthood. Most dreams are crushed in this stage of the game. Lives can become meaningless death marches before you can blink. I've still never really settled on the idea of the Prince Charming character. I still don't want the stereotypical house in the suburbs. Hell, most days I don't even like dogs. Let alone want to spend the rest of my life with one. I'm an independent, slightly self-absorbed cat lover and I'll be one until the day I die.
Now, that doesn't mean I don't love the ones I share my life with. I'm grateful for Bear and I hope that the rest of our life together is happy and filled with love and kindness. I hope that's the case, though I know that any lifelong relationship can be rocky. Mainly, I'm glad that he and I share a similar world view and non-conformist nature. I was watching a commercial for some cleaning product the other day and I found myself getting very stressed out by the concept of the happy white sterile home with the smiling perfect mother/wife and her wild children running around. That house, that atmosphere... it makes me feel icky. My house is a mess. My daughter is a wild woman. Fuck, my cat has tried to kill multiple people. Bear and I have non-traditional bedroom personalities (read: if either of us emerges without bruises, abrasions and/or bite marks we consider it a failed encounter). We're like a suburban nightmare. And I love that about us.
On the perpetual eve of marriage and moving... I'm finding myself getting a bit, er, terrified. The first time I was married, I was a wife. A cookie-making, house-cleaning, husband-servicing, baby-making machine. I was polished to a shine for the Army. Sure, I still was gritty around the edges and had dirt under my nails, but I was everything I thought a wife was supposed to be. I gave up like 80% of myself for my husband, and that's not what he wanted. It certainly wasn't what I wanted, and I'm terrified that that is going to happen again. I don't want to be taken for granted or ignored, but I also don't want to be smothered to death. My submissive persona way too easily grafts onto the man who finds me worthy, and I don't want to give myself up for Bear when that's obviously not what he wants. But I can't find a happy medium. I never thought I'd be struggling this hard to want to be the best partner I can be 3 1/2 years into the relationship. I've never really settled in here, for various reasons. But I want to. I need to. It's all just so overwhelming.
My main question is this... why, when I'm so independent, am I also so needy? Why can't I escape every one else's expectations of me? Why do I feel like a failure if I fail to attain those standards of a happy homelife? Those are the $64,000 questions.
This entry was posted by Mellie, on
Thursday, April 06, 2006.
