When I was younger, I used to do unethical behaviors all the time. I'd skip school, run away from home, smoke pot, bring alcohol to school in travel coffeemugs (my preference was screwdrivers or Tequila Rose with milk). I was, not to sound cliche, a very bad girl. That's me in the picture above, at 17 years old, looking smug (notice the shaved head - I was a total badass) because I knew that I could get away with anything. There's always that high after you've done something wrong and you get away with it... you're walking around on cloud nine but you're still very aware of how people are watching you. If a teacher looks at you with a cocked eyebrow, you figure it's all over. "He knows!" you think. "I'm caught!"

99% of the time, I wasn't caught. I got away with things that I look back on now and think, "I was a fucking idiot." And I was. How I didn't catch a sexually transmitted disease, get raped (well, more than the once), fail high school or kill someone in a drunk driving accident is beyond me. But, really, the point of this isn't to reminisce about how much of a dumbass I was in high school.

As a switch with pretty set role boundaries (submissive to men and dominant to women with no exceptions that I've found so far, but I'm always open), I often feel like I did back in high school. I wonder, as I'm walking around, if people see me and sense my "tendencies." I've found, in my life, that people are drawn to me. When I met a close friend through work, we seemed to immediately click and it wasn't until later that we found out just how much we had in common. Is there a D/s pheromone? Is it all just chance?

I was at the gym today when a very muscle-bound dude (there's no other word for this man but "dude") sat down at the recumbent bike next to the one I was riding, sized me up (from the face downward, which earned this "dude" massive points with me) and gave me a look that made me whither. Most people would have assumed that it was simple, he was a man and I was a woman, but it was different for me. Perhaps some facial expression gave me away, I tend to look downward when people look into my eyes too long (it's a defense mechanism), but he gave a very male laugh and smiled at me. I thought, the same as during high school, that I was caught. This dude knew I was submissive, that I had just acquiesced control to him somehow, and was going to call me on it. But we peddled and sweated next to each other for the next 15 minutes before I left to move on to another machine. Nothing was said and I felt better.

But I worry. What is it about me that draws men like that to me? Perhaps it's the other way around and I find myself drawn to men like that. Why is it that people who live states away from me can smell my submissiveness like a dog lying at their feet? I pride myself on being a very strong woman - I can and will do things on my own for far too long before even thinking about help. I fix cars, I drink, I cuss like a sailor, I balance my own checkbook and I raise my child alone. Bear stands beside me, helps me when I absolutely need it, and supports me emotionally. We're very much separate individuals, with separate lives and separate interests. We click so well because we both know how much individuality and solitude means to the other - and neither of us wants to lose ourselves in the other person. The fact that I acknowledge him as dominant to me is merely an extra facet of our relationship. It isn't the whole relationship, or even close to it. I don't think he would say that I ever really emitted submissiveness, especially when we first got together. So why now? Am I just more open and more mature? More comfortable with myself?

I don't know the answer to that. What I do know is that, somehow, people just know. One girl I know started following my commands, even though I wasn't aware that she was doing it until more recently when she had already committed herself to other people, almost immediately after having met me. Even last night, she said she was tired. I told her to go to bed, she said "Yes, Madam" (although I prefer Mistress, sounds much less matronly) and marched. Just like that, with no formal ties between us. There are people who I acknowledge as dominant to me now, even if they're not aware of it. It's not sexual, it's no form of relationship (besides friendship), but it's more knowing who the alpha dog is. Perhaps it really is a trait left over from when we were closer to our animal nature, and some of us are just more sensitive than others. That would certainly explain why I notice it much more at the gym, although it doesn't explain away how people I've never met in real life can understand me in that manner.

As usual, I have no answers. Just thinking out loud, as I so often do.

This entry was posted by Mellie, on Friday, April 21, 2006.