Religion, at least the concept of organized religion, has always eluded me. I've always been jealous of those people who seem to have grasped it, who have made God (or a god-figure like Pagans or Buddhists have) a part of their lives. I wish I could feel as though my life were in higher hands, that fate was merely something shaped at birth and that my tough times were nothing more than minor bumps in the road that was mapped before I was born.

I've always struggled with that. Currently, I have a cross around my neck. I don't usually wear necklaces, so it feels strange. I like the idea, the symbolism, but I still feel uncomfortable. It's not necessarily a sacrilegious feeling, but more of the hollow feeling left behind when a lover leaves or a cherished friend dies. Like something is missing, some sentiment of faith or spirituality. I've been studying Buddhism a bit lately, because it's one of the few religions that aren't dogmatic and judgmental. I learned a long time ago, from a wise friend, that religion doesn't always have to be an all or nothing concept (this same friend told me just to pretend the cross was a "t," and that the "t" stood for tits. Does she know me, or what?). It is possible to pick and choose what you believe, to develop a spirituality molded for your lifestyle. Maybe that's all I need to do, design something that fits in my life but doesn't run it.

And perhaps that's why submission appeals to me... The larger than life "god" figure. The idea of placing myself, if just for a little while, into someone else's hands. I've lost the desire to make a lifestyle situation work, as it's never really clicked into place for us. I've always found little displays of power erotic (like his hand placement on the back of the neck to remind me who "the boss" is), but not being run 24 hours a day. I need too much space, too much room to grow and change. The perfect balance of walking on my own and knowing that I have help if I need it (even if that help is forced on me against my own self-destructive/stubborn tendencies). If there is a God, he would be like that.

This entry was posted by Mellie, on Sunday, April 16, 2006.