Growth.
My skin has grown ill-fitting lately, the product of denied dreams and hidden inspiration. I feel as though every move I make may burst it wide open, spilling out random thoughts amidst the gore. I'm not quite sure why I choose to hide so much of myself from everyone, but it's there nonetheless. It simply becomes me; a personality flaw that causes me to keep most people at arm's length.
Maybe it's because I'm afraid of the consequences of being completely open. I mostly compartmentalize my friends and relations - some people know only of my wild and sexual side, others my mundane and reserved side. Few people know all of me and, of those people, even less know all the truths I hold inside. It's not that I mean to hold back,; it's either the way I was raised and it's who I've become.
Even the degrees of reservedness and sexuality that I show are significantly muted. People may know that I'm submissive, but they wouldn't guess that I often touch myself while thinking of being held down and cut. People may know that I can be fairly reserved in awkward situations, but they wouldn't guess that I sometimes go into the bathroom so that I'm able to splash water on my face, take a breath and face it again.
I can be very outgoing. I can work a room and feel energized by it. I'm confident, charming, capable, funny and a goddamn joy to be around, but I can also be withdrawn, nervous and needing a firm hand to help me continue on. I've been fighting that for so long that, now that I'm beginning to embrace that, I already feel so much more free.
I've never been one to need someone else. I don't need anyone to be whole. I'm a completely entity, no matter how flawed I may make myself out to be. People add things to me, and I take things away from people. There is a delicious dance that I do with all my friends and lovers - a chameleon sort of act where we merge and pick and choose from each other's best qualities. Sometimes they fit and other times they don't. It's the life I live that I'm capable of drawing things away from those people and still staying removed from their lives if that's the best decision.
The end of this entry is simple... there is no end. I'm still evolving, just as you are. I'm evolving to fit better in this skin, to shed the vestiges of old and unused and pick up new and useful. To learn to enjoy the pain of cutting without being afraid that I may go back to old coping patterns. To bow my head and sit quietly without feeling the itch to disobey to make myself heard. I grow, even now. And it feels delightful.
Maybe it's because I'm afraid of the consequences of being completely open. I mostly compartmentalize my friends and relations - some people know only of my wild and sexual side, others my mundane and reserved side. Few people know all of me and, of those people, even less know all the truths I hold inside. It's not that I mean to hold back,; it's either the way I was raised and it's who I've become.
Even the degrees of reservedness and sexuality that I show are significantly muted. People may know that I'm submissive, but they wouldn't guess that I often touch myself while thinking of being held down and cut. People may know that I can be fairly reserved in awkward situations, but they wouldn't guess that I sometimes go into the bathroom so that I'm able to splash water on my face, take a breath and face it again.
I can be very outgoing. I can work a room and feel energized by it. I'm confident, charming, capable, funny and a goddamn joy to be around, but I can also be withdrawn, nervous and needing a firm hand to help me continue on. I've been fighting that for so long that, now that I'm beginning to embrace that, I already feel so much more free.
I've never been one to need someone else. I don't need anyone to be whole. I'm a completely entity, no matter how flawed I may make myself out to be. People add things to me, and I take things away from people. There is a delicious dance that I do with all my friends and lovers - a chameleon sort of act where we merge and pick and choose from each other's best qualities. Sometimes they fit and other times they don't. It's the life I live that I'm capable of drawing things away from those people and still staying removed from their lives if that's the best decision.
The end of this entry is simple... there is no end. I'm still evolving, just as you are. I'm evolving to fit better in this skin, to shed the vestiges of old and unused and pick up new and useful. To learn to enjoy the pain of cutting without being afraid that I may go back to old coping patterns. To bow my head and sit quietly without feeling the itch to disobey to make myself heard. I grow, even now. And it feels delightful.
This entry was posted by Mellie, on
Thursday, February 02, 2006.
