I am not submissive.

I am a strong woman who sees people independent of their sexuality, lifestyle, physical attributes and moral upbringing. I meet people and the chemistry judges where things go from there.

I am not submissive. If I wasn't with Bear, I wouldn't have the irrepressible urge to submit. I wouldn't have the need to please. It's simply the pheromones, the chemistry between the two of us that force this behavior from me.

Is it a good thing, the natural way for us? I'm not sure. I'll never be sure. When we're on, it's fantastic. It seems to work well, I feel compelled to submit. When we're off, I feel as if I've given up too much of myself for him. I feel like he expects so much more out of me than I'm willing to give.

My desire to please him is greater than my desire to please myself. Some of the things that I do are designed to make him love me, trust me, want me more. They're great things for me, but they were also created out of my need to make him proud of me. Some people may see this as a weakness, but I see it as the epitome of couplehood. Making personal decisions thinking of the couple; thinking of the whole.

I've always gotten off on rough sex. It's always been easier to orgasm thinking of rape and orgies. But I crave monogamy with him. I crave him alone. I don't want other people, I don't want to be ordered to fuck other people. I'm submissive for him alone. My sexuality is in a box under his bed; he alone has the key.

I learn more about myself every day. Something I once took for granted has become more obvious to me. I don't need submission. I don't need sex. I don't need cock or pussy or both. I just need him. That's what's in my blood. He is.

This entry was posted by Mellie, on Sunday, January 08, 2006.