I miss you so much these days. It's not the usual understandable emotions from a woman who lives by herself, it's a deeper and more heartfelt loneliness from a woman who has lost so much.

I miss lying in bed with you, tangled in each other, while the snow fell softly outside our bedroom window. There was such childlike joy there, watching it coat the ground like a winter wonderland. We could watch it for hours, memorize the pattern of every snowflake and trace the trail it took from sky to ground. We took as much joy in that as we did in each other.

I miss cooking dinner for us, flour up and down my arms. It was the way you would pad in quietly barefoot and slip your arms around my waist that made me melt, pulling me closer to you and tipping my head back to steal a kiss. I felt so cherished in those moments, the picture of the adoring wife (someone I always knew I wanted to be).

I miss climbing into your lap when you were writing, snuggling up like a cherished pet on your lap while I tried not to get in your way. Just being there with you during the creative process, feeling the emotions pour out of you as you would write an update, filled me with such delusions of greatness. I felt like I could take on the world, there in your lap. Some of the best times in that apartment were spent with you in your office.

I said something jokingly on the phone last night, a Freudian slip. I said that I couldn't believe I "wanted" to marry you. Not want, wanted. I caught it in my head, and I don't think you caught it at all, but it's been rattling around in my brain ever since. I still want to marry you. I still want it just as surely as I did when you placed the ring on my finger a couple of years ago. My ring finger feels naked without it; there is a little piece of my heart having the ring on fills up. I do want to marry you, still. I do I do I do. I only hope I get a chance to say those words.

This entry was posted by Mellie, on Friday, December 02, 2005.