There are times that the words flow directly out of my mind and onto paper (or, in this case, the keyboard). I think in rapidly exploding segments of thought and they immediately come out exactly the way I want them to, just perfectly.

Then there are times like today, where nothing seems to come out right. I feel like a fumbling junior high school student, frantically jotting "meaningful" poetry in my notebook. I write things, then delete them only to rewrite them again a different way or with a different voice. I get frustrated, I get angry with myself... writing seems like a chore instead of a hobby.

Even now, I'm not exactly sure what I want to say. My mind is all jumbled up right now, a mixture of different emotions that aren't in their prime yet. They don't seem to want to come out yet, but I keep trying to force them. I want to seem savvy, intelligent, deep... but today doesn't want to portray me that way. Today is satisfied with letting me seem mediocre. But I disagree.

My head is right lately. It's wonderful. I feel like I complete myself these days; that Bear is a special addition to my life but that I don't need him to survive. He makes my life so much better in so many ways, but I won't die without him. We're a much better partnership that way. I honestly feel like he's on my side. It took a long time, but I now trust him with my heart and my life. I'm smiling on the inside.

This entry was posted by Mellie, on Wednesday, November 09, 2005.