Ah, sweet November. Both the title of an awful movie (oddly, though, the point is much the same - a month is all that it takes to change your life) and the dawning of the month that contains a holiday entirely devoted to giving thanks for the wonderful things in your life. It couldn't be a more perfect time to work on changing myself just a bit more.

For one, my house is a mess. Yes, I know that people don't have enough time in the day, they have crazy kids that run around and mess everything up, etc. My problem is deeper than that. It's all in self-motivation. I've recently realized that I have a voice in my head that does not belong to me. No, I'm not talking about schizophrenia. I'm talking about being told over and over since I was a child that I simply wasn't good enough. That, at an early age, a subconscious memo was drafted including all these little parts in my life - my unfaithfulness, my ditziness, my lack of cleanliness... all these damn -nesses that dictate my behavior. The problem is, no one's life is so easily broken down and written out. People are constantly changing - whether willfully or not. The part that details who and what I am is bullshit. I need to stop living my life that way. Every day that I wake up is another chance to re-invent myself. The fact that I keep falling back into the same behavior is simply habit, not genetics or destiny.

So there it is. My only conclusion, for now. Tomorrow, when I wake up, I get to decide how to act. I might be the vixen, waking up extra early to put makeup on and dress especially cute. I might be the girl next door. I might be a bitch. I might be a sweetheart. But, from now on, I decide.

This entry was posted by Mellie, on Tuesday, November 01, 2005.