Tonight, I'm emotionally drained. Bear and I talked last night, which is what prompted yesterday's post. Talking quickly evolved into mild-mannered arguing, discussing the current state of our relationship. Every once in awhile, he says, I say something hateful. Sometimes it's letting my mouth get the best of me, other times it can be too quickly dismissing something that has a lot of emotional relevance to my partner.
Many things were said last night - some hurtful, some truthful, some hurtful because they were so truthful. He did mention something last night that really stuck with me. He asked me, in no uncertain terms, why it is that I immediately go to the worse case scenario. It's something that's come up with me before... I like it call it my nuclear button. It's that little red button that I press that just flattens everything around me. I feel safer, I feel defended... but often at the cost of everyone that means anything too me.
The truth is, that button is much smaller and much more camouflaged these days. It's rare that I even think about it. I've begun to build a wall around in so that I can keep myself and those I love safe from my blow-ups. But, rarely, something sparks it. This time, I hung up the phone instead of letting it incinerate everything. But it's almost as though he wants me to remember how dysfunctional I was. He reminds me that I used to be more fucked up, which reminds me of those safety valves I was trying so hard to forget.
I'm not perfect. I'm not going to be perfect. I have worth as a flawed human being. I may not ever remove those more basic instincts, but I want him to love me knowing that I've struggled to become better for me and for us. I want him to remember my past, but I don't want to be approached with caution for the rest of my life.
I just want to be us. I want the trust he places in my hands every time we're intimate together to extend into our relationship. I want him to understand that I do stumble and I do fall, but I get right back up and keep moving. I can see his points - he's worried that I'm not looking out for him or that I'm considering everyone else before him. But that's simply not true. If he would talk to any of my friends, they would tell him how proud I am of him that he's going to law school. I just want to find something equally great with him. I want both of our dreams to come true. Who says they can't?
Many things were said last night - some hurtful, some truthful, some hurtful because they were so truthful. He did mention something last night that really stuck with me. He asked me, in no uncertain terms, why it is that I immediately go to the worse case scenario. It's something that's come up with me before... I like it call it my nuclear button. It's that little red button that I press that just flattens everything around me. I feel safer, I feel defended... but often at the cost of everyone that means anything too me.
The truth is, that button is much smaller and much more camouflaged these days. It's rare that I even think about it. I've begun to build a wall around in so that I can keep myself and those I love safe from my blow-ups. But, rarely, something sparks it. This time, I hung up the phone instead of letting it incinerate everything. But it's almost as though he wants me to remember how dysfunctional I was. He reminds me that I used to be more fucked up, which reminds me of those safety valves I was trying so hard to forget.
I'm not perfect. I'm not going to be perfect. I have worth as a flawed human being. I may not ever remove those more basic instincts, but I want him to love me knowing that I've struggled to become better for me and for us. I want him to remember my past, but I don't want to be approached with caution for the rest of my life.
I just want to be us. I want the trust he places in my hands every time we're intimate together to extend into our relationship. I want him to understand that I do stumble and I do fall, but I get right back up and keep moving. I can see his points - he's worried that I'm not looking out for him or that I'm considering everyone else before him. But that's simply not true. If he would talk to any of my friends, they would tell him how proud I am of him that he's going to law school. I just want to find something equally great with him. I want both of our dreams to come true. Who says they can't?
This entry was posted by Mellie, on
Monday, October 10, 2005.
