Every time I think I'm healing, every time I feel a bit better about us and our relationship... there it is. The "it" is always different - sometimes just a feeling, other times a glance or a few words. Today he told me he felt ambivalent about our relationship. The look in his eyes, the uncomfortable silence... my heart was broken all over again.

Why can't I be someone's permanent girl? Why do they always find something to pick on, some scab to recover... why do I have to constantly feel so temporary in everything? Why can't I find love that lasts, goddamnit? I thought I had it, I still think I have it even though his words have made me feel otherwise.

I have scars. I have scabs. I have open wounds. I am a living, breathing human being. What person can escape this life without some sort of permanent way to remember their trials? I'm proud of my scars. They make me alive. I've been through lots of hardship and heartache. I had a not so happy childhood, I've led a not so conservative life. I'm afraid of being left and feeling cast aside.

Once, just once... I want to tell him to leave. I want him to refuse to go, I want him to stay and fight. For me. For us. I want him to feel something towards me besides ambivalence. I want him not to fuck me like he loves me before he turns me away. I guess I'm asking too much.

This entry was posted by Mellie, on Sunday, October 09, 2005.