It was over yesterday, for a few minutes anyway.
I don't feel good about it ending though. I thought I did, but when it came time to tell him that I worried he wasn't enough in love with me I crumbled. I told him everything - how I felt, how it affected me. He told me everything too - how he feels like I don't support him enough, how mad he was at me.
Where do we go from here? I don't know. We're still together, but he's distant. I'm ready to work on things, I want to go with him to law school, but I'm not sure if that will happen. We have a year until it's time to go, we're both going to try to iron things out before then. Needless to say, the January marriage was a pipedream. And now I have to tell my whole family that. At my birthday party.
I'd be a fool if I said I knew where this was going to go. He has issues with his independence (he's never had to answer to anyone else but himself), and I have issues with dependence (although I'm much more independent than I used to be). I don't want to get hurt and, more importantly, I don't want my daughter to get hurt. She loves him, he's like a father to her. I don't want to throw that away.
I'm scared and ansy. For months now, I've felt like he's both holding me at arm's length and waiting to leave me. I feel like I'm a mere moment away from getting the axe, and it's a horrible way to live. I'm terrified he's going to find someone better than me, someone without a daughter and an ex-husband. Someone who will fuck him all day long and not have to worry about other things like family, school and job. I just don't feel special anymore, which is why I'm going back to counseling.
I'm really done writing now. This was supposed to be a vent session, but it's only made me feel worse. Life without him is unacceptable. I only wanted to end things because all I want is the best for him, but he doesn't see that. He sees me as selfish. And that hurts more than you can imagine.
We had sex yesterday, but I'm not ready to write about that. I trust him so much that way; it would destroy me to lose that.
I don't feel good about it ending though. I thought I did, but when it came time to tell him that I worried he wasn't enough in love with me I crumbled. I told him everything - how I felt, how it affected me. He told me everything too - how he feels like I don't support him enough, how mad he was at me.
Where do we go from here? I don't know. We're still together, but he's distant. I'm ready to work on things, I want to go with him to law school, but I'm not sure if that will happen. We have a year until it's time to go, we're both going to try to iron things out before then. Needless to say, the January marriage was a pipedream. And now I have to tell my whole family that. At my birthday party.
I'd be a fool if I said I knew where this was going to go. He has issues with his independence (he's never had to answer to anyone else but himself), and I have issues with dependence (although I'm much more independent than I used to be). I don't want to get hurt and, more importantly, I don't want my daughter to get hurt. She loves him, he's like a father to her. I don't want to throw that away.
I'm scared and ansy. For months now, I've felt like he's both holding me at arm's length and waiting to leave me. I feel like I'm a mere moment away from getting the axe, and it's a horrible way to live. I'm terrified he's going to find someone better than me, someone without a daughter and an ex-husband. Someone who will fuck him all day long and not have to worry about other things like family, school and job. I just don't feel special anymore, which is why I'm going back to counseling.
I'm really done writing now. This was supposed to be a vent session, but it's only made me feel worse. Life without him is unacceptable. I only wanted to end things because all I want is the best for him, but he doesn't see that. He sees me as selfish. And that hurts more than you can imagine.
We had sex yesterday, but I'm not ready to write about that. I trust him so much that way; it would destroy me to lose that.
This entry was posted by Mellie, on
Sunday, October 02, 2005.
