Little voices in my head. And no, I'm not schizophrenic.
"Learn to get in touch with the silence within yourself and know that everything in this life has a purpose."
Silence is, and will probably always be, one of my biggest issues. When the silence falls, I hear echoes in my head. Echoes of my sadness, my frustration, my self-deprecation... little voices putting bad ideas into my head, telling me I'm not good enough and never will be good enough.
Most of the time, I'm capable of shaking them off and telling them (in no uncertain terms) to fuck off. When I think about it, though, I need those little voices in my head. Everyone I consider either a friend or a family member (sometimes both!) is incredibly supportive. They all know I'm smart, driven and fired up. They believe that I can do whatever I put my mind to. The little voices in my head tell me I can't. These days, I barely even give them a second thought. I fight harder for what I want, and fight harder against what they say I can't do.
They've taught me, over the years, that I am beautiful (kind, intelligent, funny, wonderful...) enough to deserve to be treated well. They've taught me that I can go back to school after taking some time off, and that I can do well at it. They've taught me that I'm one hell of a parent, and that sometimes it's up to me to be my own example.
I'm thinking about getting back into meditation to master my quiet place. I'm tired of being afraid of what lurks there. I have nothing in my past (save for the two times I've been raped and the history of my mother being incredibly psychologically abusive - nothing like calling me stupid or anything, but constantly making me feel as though I should live my life afraid and that nothing I ever do is right) that would require a therapist to delve into it with me. Autumn is always the time that I do more hardcore internal work, anyways. Yeah for Yoga! Yeah for meditation! Yeah for feeling centered! Ra ra ra!
Silence is, and will probably always be, one of my biggest issues. When the silence falls, I hear echoes in my head. Echoes of my sadness, my frustration, my self-deprecation... little voices putting bad ideas into my head, telling me I'm not good enough and never will be good enough.
Most of the time, I'm capable of shaking them off and telling them (in no uncertain terms) to fuck off. When I think about it, though, I need those little voices in my head. Everyone I consider either a friend or a family member (sometimes both!) is incredibly supportive. They all know I'm smart, driven and fired up. They believe that I can do whatever I put my mind to. The little voices in my head tell me I can't. These days, I barely even give them a second thought. I fight harder for what I want, and fight harder against what they say I can't do.
They've taught me, over the years, that I am beautiful (kind, intelligent, funny, wonderful...) enough to deserve to be treated well. They've taught me that I can go back to school after taking some time off, and that I can do well at it. They've taught me that I'm one hell of a parent, and that sometimes it's up to me to be my own example.
I'm thinking about getting back into meditation to master my quiet place. I'm tired of being afraid of what lurks there. I have nothing in my past (save for the two times I've been raped and the history of my mother being incredibly psychologically abusive - nothing like calling me stupid or anything, but constantly making me feel as though I should live my life afraid and that nothing I ever do is right) that would require a therapist to delve into it with me. Autumn is always the time that I do more hardcore internal work, anyways. Yeah for Yoga! Yeah for meditation! Yeah for feeling centered! Ra ra ra!
This entry was posted by Mellie, on
Tuesday, August 09, 2005.
