I did something uncharacteristic today. I gave someone I barely know my website address. I don't honestly know what possessed me... maybe it was that the likelihood of finding someone in which you have so much in common is slim to none out here. Maybe it's that I'm gaining more confidence in myself and am less afraid to show and tell the real me to people. Or maybe it's that, in my ripe old age, I'm finally coming to grips with myself and that "I am who I am." All I know is that we talked and it was hard for me to believe, looking into her big blue eyes, that she was being anything less than sincere.

So I decided to post that picture as a welcome. I'm no longer hiding anything. It's all out there, plain as day. Welcome Phedre. Although we won't work together for too much longer, I hope that we can develop a friendship more lasting than just being co-workers. It's too odd to meet someone like you here, I can't just pass that opportunity up! And anyway, I need a new cohort to go to the gay club with! :)

The picture I posted above was from a journal Bear and I held for about a year called Sexual Anarchism. When our relationship both imploded and exploded (is that physically possible?!), we were left with the fall-out and a year's worth of sexual memories. That journal is no longer available online, but I keep it in my archives and close to my heart. It reminds me just where we went wrong and what we can do better this time. I'm lucky to be able to have such physical memories.

These days, I've settled into our routine much better. Before I do anything in the morning, I don my collar.



It's not much, just a little reminder of my submission and how much I love him. We don't live together anymore, so the little things matter much more. I always ask permission before I come, usually waiting a few days or more between asking. I submit to my punishments as bravely as possible. He's been mostly lenient with me, but there have been times that the welts have lasted for days. I have such a drive and need to please that there isn't much he could ask of me that I wouldn't quickly jump up to do. I respect him, he respects me. That's the best basis of a D/s relationship I could ask for.

Life ebbs and flows around here. I go through phases of adoration and annoyance, regret and infatuation. Some days I'm tired of waiting around for things to speed up, other days I would walk to the moon and back for him. But, through it all, there's the permeating belief that things will work out for the best. Life will bring me exactly what I want and need, if not a little more than I can handle, to test me and make me stronger. I will have love, beauty, truth, friendship... all these things as more. I just need to wait for them. And that, my dears, is my true test.

This entry was posted by Mellie, on Tuesday, July 26, 2005.