"I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don't mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don't mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling all that I am capable of doing but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding."

- Anais Nin

I came last night, lying in my bed alone. I ejaculated warm, sticky fluid all over my hand, the sheets... it dripped down my ass for a good few minutes. As I lie in bed, the seriousness of what had just happened hit me. When I was masturbating, when I came, I wasn't thinking about having sex with anyone. I wasn't thinking about having a random woman going down on me, nor was I thinking about being gangbanged by three or four men. I came thinking about being beaten with a belt. Each strike, each lash - my pussy contracted over and over again with each stroke of the leather belt.

I've only been hit that way once, and I was very inebriated. It didn't feel good; it hurt like a son of a bitch. I don't really desire to be beaten, not really. But this brought up all sorts of confused feelings in me. I've been in and out of formal submission for a few years now, but nothing has really stuck. The only way that I can ever be a good submissive is to be trained properly but I'm worried that there just isn't enough time, that he doesn't desire that, that it will kill off all of my good qualities and make me subservient to everyone (even in mundane life). I definitely don't want that, but I also can't handle living in this middleland of questions and conditions.

A decision will have to be made soon, for my own benefit.

This entry was posted by Mellie, on Sunday, June 19, 2005.