The Monster.
I call her "the monster." She's also been called the bitch, my inner psychotic. She's the angry teenager backed into a corner with her fists up, ready to battle. She's the pathway I've charted, the way that I know to behave.
She still comes out, that raging savage. Every once in awhile, I feel her tendrils begin to curl around my brain. They force my mouth to move, they force my mind to feel things in a different way than it should. I over-react, I get jealous, I lash out. It happens less and less these days but, when it does happen, it infuriates me even more than it used to.
Yes, folks, I get jealous. Frustratingly, infuriatingly jealous. Where I'm mostly excited and happy for him to go visit San Diego for the fourth of July weekend, there's the little bit of me that feels hurt and left out. We need to lead separate lives to exist, but I'll be here working and doing bullshit and that really irks me. How can we be together if I don't feel like we're equals? How can we exist as a couple if I'm constantly getting ticked off that he's getting to do a bunch of cool shit and I'm being left behind? That's not the case, he'll be doing dude-bro stuff like baseball and drinking beer with the guys, but my plans fell through and now I'm here. On my favorite holiday.
But this isn't a pity party. I don't feel bad for myself, I don't feel angry at him. I just feel annoyed that my response was jealousy and feeling insignificant. Part of me was hoping his doc wouldn't clear him for the flight, and that he'd be able to spend the fourth of July with me. And that's fucked up, and that's not ok with me. I'm taking some solace and consolation in the fact that I'm here, writing about my reaction and dissecting in, instead of letting it rule and not questioning why.
So, my fourth of July might be hanging out with my daughter alone. It's her first fourth of July with me where she's old enough to really be awed by the fireworks. I'll be at the lake, lying on my back on an old blanket next to my daughter, watching the fireworks and gasping along with everyone else. It's my favorite holiday, after all, I'm not going to let anything bring me down. Even myself. :)
She still comes out, that raging savage. Every once in awhile, I feel her tendrils begin to curl around my brain. They force my mouth to move, they force my mind to feel things in a different way than it should. I over-react, I get jealous, I lash out. It happens less and less these days but, when it does happen, it infuriates me even more than it used to.
Yes, folks, I get jealous. Frustratingly, infuriatingly jealous. Where I'm mostly excited and happy for him to go visit San Diego for the fourth of July weekend, there's the little bit of me that feels hurt and left out. We need to lead separate lives to exist, but I'll be here working and doing bullshit and that really irks me. How can we be together if I don't feel like we're equals? How can we exist as a couple if I'm constantly getting ticked off that he's getting to do a bunch of cool shit and I'm being left behind? That's not the case, he'll be doing dude-bro stuff like baseball and drinking beer with the guys, but my plans fell through and now I'm here. On my favorite holiday.
But this isn't a pity party. I don't feel bad for myself, I don't feel angry at him. I just feel annoyed that my response was jealousy and feeling insignificant. Part of me was hoping his doc wouldn't clear him for the flight, and that he'd be able to spend the fourth of July with me. And that's fucked up, and that's not ok with me. I'm taking some solace and consolation in the fact that I'm here, writing about my reaction and dissecting in, instead of letting it rule and not questioning why.
So, my fourth of July might be hanging out with my daughter alone. It's her first fourth of July with me where she's old enough to really be awed by the fireworks. I'll be at the lake, lying on my back on an old blanket next to my daughter, watching the fireworks and gasping along with everyone else. It's my favorite holiday, after all, I'm not going to let anything bring me down. Even myself. :)
This entry was posted by Mellie, on
Monday, June 20, 2005.
