Letting out a little pressure.
My little vicodin puppy, always adoring and full of sweet sentiment. I love him every day of the year, but there is a certain place in my heart for him when he's under the influence of this certain pain killer. He once called me to tell me about the beauty of the clouds/trees and how a squirrel looked at him on a walk he took, and he just told me (referring to a mix that he's currently making me) that he made it because "it's sort of like being able to hug you even though you aren't here."
He's great at being sexually open, fantastic about telling me all the perverted and dirty thoughts in his head, but we're still not so great about the regular communication. Sure, we talk. We always did that - bullshitting about the news, movies, music, etc. But talking about feelings, man, that shit is tough.
It makes it tough for me as a submissive. A lot of it is sexual for me, I won't lie to you there. There is something about being tied to a bed, getting a spanking, having my hair pulled... it makes me wet and it gets me off. But I don't just need my body stimulated, I need my mind stimulated as well. It hurts my feelings when he is constantly talking about thinking of me fucking other people (which I don't even want to do), but he can't tell me how special I am to him as a person (as opposed to as a warm hole).
This is nothing new, I tend to break myself down to the sum of my parts on a regular basis. I once thought of myself as only a cunt, allowing pretty much anyone to have me if they wanted me. I've progressed beyond that now and, as much as I know he loves ME and wants to be with ME, there is a part of me still struck down by his constant catcalling and mental sexual promiscuity. As if I'm not quite as precious, not quite as worth it, if I'm not performing or open to other people performing on me.
Perhaps this is all my issue. It probably is, in fact, 99% my issue. I wasn't even sure if I was going to post any of this, since he is in recovery for surgery and this doesn't feel like I'm doing a good job supporting him at all. But I have to get it out. It's essential to let the demons loose so they don't just float around in my head, whispering nasty little things in my ears and poisoning my mind. So here you go.
He's great at being sexually open, fantastic about telling me all the perverted and dirty thoughts in his head, but we're still not so great about the regular communication. Sure, we talk. We always did that - bullshitting about the news, movies, music, etc. But talking about feelings, man, that shit is tough.
It makes it tough for me as a submissive. A lot of it is sexual for me, I won't lie to you there. There is something about being tied to a bed, getting a spanking, having my hair pulled... it makes me wet and it gets me off. But I don't just need my body stimulated, I need my mind stimulated as well. It hurts my feelings when he is constantly talking about thinking of me fucking other people (which I don't even want to do), but he can't tell me how special I am to him as a person (as opposed to as a warm hole).
This is nothing new, I tend to break myself down to the sum of my parts on a regular basis. I once thought of myself as only a cunt, allowing pretty much anyone to have me if they wanted me. I've progressed beyond that now and, as much as I know he loves ME and wants to be with ME, there is a part of me still struck down by his constant catcalling and mental sexual promiscuity. As if I'm not quite as precious, not quite as worth it, if I'm not performing or open to other people performing on me.
Perhaps this is all my issue. It probably is, in fact, 99% my issue. I wasn't even sure if I was going to post any of this, since he is in recovery for surgery and this doesn't feel like I'm doing a good job supporting him at all. But I have to get it out. It's essential to let the demons loose so they don't just float around in my head, whispering nasty little things in my ears and poisoning my mind. So here you go.
This entry was posted by Mellie, on
Friday, June 17, 2005.
