An apology.
I'm trying this new concept out today. Bear with me here, it's extremely foreign. I'm attempting to not be jealous and petty. That's right. Aine is shutting down her old defense mechanisms. I'm letting them rust and erode like the medieval weaponry they are. I no longer need them, they no longer serve me well. I'm letting them drop to the ground and I hope to never feel the need to pick them up again.
They are too familiar for me. These tools have done nothing but hurt the ones I love, drawn me into their web of bitterness and anger, since the day I started using them. I can imagine it was around when my parents got divorced, because that's the time I started feeling the most angry at the world and hurt at the evil life can sometimes bring. Instead of talking, instead of letting myself get rightfully emotional, I shut down. I got mad, I got revenge.
Even now, I still expect people to not want to be with me. Not today, not any more. I'm a good person. I deserve to not beat myself up anymore. The sad truth of it is, I hurt myself and put myself down far more than anyone could ever even imagine doing. I'm my own worst enemy. And it's time I put a stop to that.
So, to all the people I've hurt in the past with my jealous snide remarks and my bitter sharp tongue, I truly apologize. I hope you understand that, while those ways of behaving served their purpose in the past, I no longer need them. I was angry at myself, full to the brim with low self esteem, and could accept any fictitious blows to my self esteem (vacations became a direct insult to me, wanting to spend time with other people meant that you didn't love me anymore, etc.) about as much as I'd roll over and let someone literally stab me in the back. It had nothing to do with any of you, not really. It was my problem, and mine alone.
Again, I'm sorry. For all the pain I've caused because I was too uncomfortable in my own skin to realize that was truly the problem. I hope we can start over, start at the beginning, where we can talk things through. Argue rationally. I love you all. I'm glad you've stuck by me through the years (you know who you all are - my wonderful man, Eala, Kelly, Rich...). I swear, one of these days I'll be 100% sane. I hope you accept the 85% sane I've become.
Hope your days have all been great today, I'm heading out to work!
They are too familiar for me. These tools have done nothing but hurt the ones I love, drawn me into their web of bitterness and anger, since the day I started using them. I can imagine it was around when my parents got divorced, because that's the time I started feeling the most angry at the world and hurt at the evil life can sometimes bring. Instead of talking, instead of letting myself get rightfully emotional, I shut down. I got mad, I got revenge.
Even now, I still expect people to not want to be with me. Not today, not any more. I'm a good person. I deserve to not beat myself up anymore. The sad truth of it is, I hurt myself and put myself down far more than anyone could ever even imagine doing. I'm my own worst enemy. And it's time I put a stop to that.
So, to all the people I've hurt in the past with my jealous snide remarks and my bitter sharp tongue, I truly apologize. I hope you understand that, while those ways of behaving served their purpose in the past, I no longer need them. I was angry at myself, full to the brim with low self esteem, and could accept any fictitious blows to my self esteem (vacations became a direct insult to me, wanting to spend time with other people meant that you didn't love me anymore, etc.) about as much as I'd roll over and let someone literally stab me in the back. It had nothing to do with any of you, not really. It was my problem, and mine alone.
Again, I'm sorry. For all the pain I've caused because I was too uncomfortable in my own skin to realize that was truly the problem. I hope we can start over, start at the beginning, where we can talk things through. Argue rationally. I love you all. I'm glad you've stuck by me through the years (you know who you all are - my wonderful man, Eala, Kelly, Rich...). I swear, one of these days I'll be 100% sane. I hope you accept the 85% sane I've become.
Hope your days have all been great today, I'm heading out to work!
This entry was posted by Mellie, on
Thursday, June 23, 2005.
