Something to ponder.
I twisted and turned over being completely honest in this blog; being completely truthful about what's going on in my head has always been something I've struggled with. In the end I decided that if I really am writing strictly for my own pleasure and thought sorting, as I claim, I'm doing myself a disservice by editing my thoughts before they're even out in physical form.
There is a disconnect between our sexualities; I've been feeling it more lately. I'm warm, passionate, loving. I make love with my whole heart and my whole body. But there is a piece of me that is consistently held back from being 100% involved with him sexually, and I've only recently discovered what that was.
I can't make him come. With all my charms, with all my skills... it just doesn't happen. To be fair, he's told me that only a handful of girls a handful of times have succeeded at it. My brain understands that twenty years of masturbating can lead to reduced sensitivities. My ego doesn't feel that. We have raw, passionate sex. When it's time to orgasm, however, he rolls over and I assume my position on his left side as he beats himself off onto my side. It's so passionless, it's so entirely not about me or about anything that it just leaves me feeling empty. For all the times we've had sex, fucked, made love... we still haven't been completely successful.
I don't know how to feel about this. I've simply accepted it as the way things are, much as people get used to changes in their usual routine. My ex was always too quick to come, leaving me unfulfilled in a whole other way. I guess I have no place to complain - he loves me, he wants to make sure that I come, he enjoys having sex with me. It's just that a part of me thinks "why even bother? If we can roll over, fuck ourselves to orgasm... why even involve fucking in the first place? Why even bother to fuck me if I can't make you come?"
So, I'm putting it out there. Putting my feelings on display, once again, so that I can examine them by the light of day. Perhaps I'll be able to understand more why this bothers me. Maybe I'll be able to accept it. Or maybe I'll realize things need to change. That's what feelings are, though, even irrational ones. Something to ponder. I definitely have my share of that these days.
There is a disconnect between our sexualities; I've been feeling it more lately. I'm warm, passionate, loving. I make love with my whole heart and my whole body. But there is a piece of me that is consistently held back from being 100% involved with him sexually, and I've only recently discovered what that was.
I can't make him come. With all my charms, with all my skills... it just doesn't happen. To be fair, he's told me that only a handful of girls a handful of times have succeeded at it. My brain understands that twenty years of masturbating can lead to reduced sensitivities. My ego doesn't feel that. We have raw, passionate sex. When it's time to orgasm, however, he rolls over and I assume my position on his left side as he beats himself off onto my side. It's so passionless, it's so entirely not about me or about anything that it just leaves me feeling empty. For all the times we've had sex, fucked, made love... we still haven't been completely successful.
I don't know how to feel about this. I've simply accepted it as the way things are, much as people get used to changes in their usual routine. My ex was always too quick to come, leaving me unfulfilled in a whole other way. I guess I have no place to complain - he loves me, he wants to make sure that I come, he enjoys having sex with me. It's just that a part of me thinks "why even bother? If we can roll over, fuck ourselves to orgasm... why even involve fucking in the first place? Why even bother to fuck me if I can't make you come?"
So, I'm putting it out there. Putting my feelings on display, once again, so that I can examine them by the light of day. Perhaps I'll be able to understand more why this bothers me. Maybe I'll be able to accept it. Or maybe I'll realize things need to change. That's what feelings are, though, even irrational ones. Something to ponder. I definitely have my share of that these days.
This entry was posted by Mellie, on
Sunday, May 29, 2005.
