I often wonder what people see when they look at me. It's not that I particularly care - I don't put pants on in the morning so that random jerks can stare at my ass, I don't put lipstick on so that some dickhead at the grocery store will want to fuck my mouth, and I don't decide to brush my hair so that the girl at the coffeeshop will want to pull it as she kisses me. I just wonder, sometimes, what sort of aura I put out and what other people think I'm like.

We walked around the university quad today, stopping to dip our toes into the cool water of the glossy black fountain. It felt so nice, a moment stolen from the hand of time, lost in the sensations. As my naked toes wiggled in the cold running water, I really felt alive for the first time in a good long while. Sure, the concept of jumping back down scared the hell out of me. But I felt alive, I felt free. The sun energized me, the water fed into my soul. I wonder what I looked like to the guy riding by on his bicycle. Did he see a fake redhead 23 year old in jean capris trying to recapture her youth? Or could he see past all that, see to the girl who is unsure (both of herself and about life in general), see the girl who needs a moment of clarity?

Sometimes I feel like everyone who knows me is in love with a phantom. I feel like a strange caricature of the girl I think I am, bits and pieces of the best parts of myself, my family, my former and current lover(s). It's almost funny, almost out of an anime movie. There's me - uncomfortable in her skin, doesn't really believe she's beautiful, tries to do the right thing, swears like a sailor. Then there's my phantom - beautiful and confident, poised, funny. She stalks me, she follows me, she covers me in her hazy shadow. I just don't know how to cast her off.

This entry was posted by Mellie, on Sunday, May 22, 2005.