"It is in the knowledge of the genuine conditions of our lives that we must draw our strength to live and our reasons for living."

- Simone de Beauvoir

One does not wake up suddenly with strength. Emotional or physical, strength lies in the trials and tribulations leading up to gaining that characteristic. One who has strength thinks nothing of it. It is simply there. He or she can call on it with a moment's notice; it comes with a ferocity many other personality traits do not exhibit.

I have gained an extensive amount of strength in my life - none of it having come easy. I've been divorced, I've had to support myself financially at a time that I thought it was impossible. I've dealt with family arguments that felt like they would tear me apart. I've had to be tough for my daughter, even when I felt on the verge of breaking down. Monday, my strength will be called on again to bring me through a hard time.

He has surgery on Monday, surgery they hope will clear a brain cyst from his left temple. If this doesn't work, they're looking at having to essentially crack his skull and cut it out. I try to look at the positives of all this - he'll be healthier, this will all be over soon - but I'm also trying to be realistic and think of life without him. It's highly unlikely, but something could happen. I want to be prepared for that, as prepared as I can possibly be.

Life without him, though, seems dull and lifeless. He's made me appreciate so many things - squirrels bounding across front yards, hazy and diffused light coming from clouds during sunsets, cuddling in bed with no intentions of making love, staying in bed all evening watching movies and laughing at all the same things.

I just want the world to know, I want HIM to know, that I love him. With all my heart. He's a piece of me now. Forever. He's the lily wrapping himself slowly around my healing heart, putting gentle pressure on me to be the person I've always known I can be.

I don't intend to use this forum to write solely about him much. It's just that, on the verge of so much possible change, I find it unlikely and impossible to forget about what he does mean to me. This love is one I never want to lose and one I never will forget.

This entry was posted by Mellie, on Saturday, May 21, 2005.