I am a submissive. I make no apologies, I accept no condemnation. It simply is who I am, my basic genetic makeup has made this my fate since before I was born.

Those words taste sweet on my lips like candy. They're the type of candy that you swirl around your tongue for a few minutes as you savor the taste, only to find out that it has begun to wear a pattern into your inner cheek. The type of candy that only gets better with time, like the toffee your grandmother always has in her oversized purse. To admit defeat to my more base desires, even if only to myself, is to finally begin to be free.

None of this has anything to do with outside forces, had I been in complete solitude this adventure would have begun the same. It's simply time, life is much too short to fight who you are and it's a tiring battle even from the beginning. There have been some players who have encouraged me to come out of my shell more than others, but no one alone deserves the blame or applause for this besides myself.

So I say it again, I sing it proudly from the peaks and the valleys, I am submissive. I am who I was always meant to be. A girl who enjoys pain, a girl who dreams of forbidden things as she silently strokes her clitoris. A girl who feels so alone sometimes, so devastatingly cut off, that she once slit her arms open just to watch them bleed and remind herself that her heart was still beating. A girl who went from bed to bed trying to find the one, trying to feel something. A girl who is coming to grips with who she is for the first time in her life.

I won't promise anything in this space but complete honesty. That honesty may hurt or it may caress. You may come away with a smile on your face, other times you may cry out of frustration/anger/sadness/recognition. This may not all be about sex, submission, fantasy. But it will all be truthful and will be about the closest I ever let people get to me.

This site is a work in progress, things will continue to be tweaked for weeks to come. Just in case you're curious, my name isn't really Aine. Aine is an Irish/Gaelic name I found recently, one that means joy. I have a large amount of Irish blood running through my veins, even though I was born in America, and I'd like to pay tribute to that as best I can. Decorus poena means beautiful pain/punishment in Latin. I think Latin is one of the beautiful, albeit dead, languages in the world. Those Greeks certainly had a way with words.

Here's one of my favorite early Greek poets, Archilochus:

Be bold! That's one way
Of getting through life.
So I turn upon her
And point out that,
Faced with the wickedness
Of things, she does not shiver.
I prefer to have, after all,
Only what pleases me
Are you so deep in misery
That you think me fallen!
You say I'm lazy; I'm not,
Nor any of my kin-people.
I know how to love those
Who love me, how to hate.
My enemies I overwhelm
With abuse. The ant bites!
The oracle said to me:
"Return to the city, reconquer.
It is almost in ruins.
With your spear give it glory.
Reign with absolute power,
The admiration of men.
After this long voyage,
Return to us from Gortyne."
Pasture, fish, nor vulture
Were you, and I, returned,
Seek an honest woman
Ready to be a good wife.
I would hold your hand,
Would be near you, would have run
All the way to your house.
I cannot. The ship went down,
And all my wealth with it.
The salvagers have no hope.
You whom the soldiers beat,
You who are all but dead,
How the gods love you
And I, alone in the dark,
I was promised the light.

This entry was posted by Mellie, on Tuesday, May 17, 2005.