Sometimes a bitter melancholy seeps into my bones, and I have no idea where it came from or what sparked its relentless path of misery and uncertainness. It simply is there, for better or worse, and I must learn how to deal with it. I used to think it was a form of mental illness - some sort of inkling of bipolar behavior or depression that I had yet to deal with. Generally speaking, however, I find most psychological disorders to be purely bullshit. An excuse, a waste of money to diagnose and treat, a cop-out. Of course, there are definitely cases where they are real and do need treatment. Usually, though, depression especially is an excuse for many things - unbridled creativity without regret, being sad about anything (mainly during the teenage years), being unsure about your course in life.

No, my melancholy is more about a lack of control. Knowing that, even though things seem to be going along smoothly, random seemingly meaningless bullshit can derail it all. I've searched through my life for meaning, time and time again, and come up empty handed. I just can't find a reason for so much horrible shit to happen. I just want to live happily ever after. Just once. But dark clouds circle me, even on the bluest day.

I know this sounds ominous, but it simply is how life works. I'm not sad, I've mostly just given up control. As a submissive, that should be easy. It isn't. I feel the pressure, sometimes, to live life as well as possible. I try to live that ethic every day - live life as if you had no more time left. Live beautifully, live without fear, live without regret. It's harder than it sounds.

I used to think that all I wanted was to be married, have kids, settle down. I was young then. I suppose I still am, but I've grown a lot. What I want has matured as I have, but the same elements are still there.

I want a loving, equal, stable relationship with someone. I want to know he/she loves me, I want to not have to be continually reassured. I want to love him/her with my whole heart, I want to hurt when he/she's not around. I want him/her to watch me grow, help me with problems, talk to me, lie naked against me. I've done well with that, especially these days. He loves me that way, I love him that way. It's one of the best things I've ever known.

I want to be a good mother. I want her to grow up poised, strong, beautiful, tough, smart, funny, able to stand up to anyone, able to do whatever the fuck she wants. Mainly, I'm content with the knowledge that, regardless of who she is or who she grows to be, I'll love her just the same.

I never want to settle down, though. I never want to give up, give in. I want to travel, I want a good glass of wine, I want a job that makes me fulfilled (that I feel like I genuinly help people/animals with), I want good friends who can sit and chat about nothing for hours, I want the wind in my face, the grass on my bare toes. I want bunnies and fireflies, squirrels and open land. I want to live free. Who could ask for anything more?

This entry was posted by Mellie, on Wednesday, May 25, 2005.