To me, love (which goes hand in hand with human sexuality) has always been full of multiple layers. The dichotomy of love and relationships have made them even more attractive to me; the thought that one could be incredibly intelligent (either "street smarts" or "book smarts") and still know nothing once he or she turns another romantic bend appeals to my inner child. I've always been a student of the school of life, I know absolutely nothing about a myriad of things and wholeheartedly believe that I will never stop learning until my death (hopefully DECADES in the future).

Some people never really embrace the fact that love doesn't work in black and whites, doesn't function well with absolutes/pessimism/ultimatums. They want life to be simple - either you're in love with me or you're in love with him. You couldn't possibly be able to love both of us, not with your whole heart. Inconceivable! (Ten points for anyone who gets that reference.)

Yet, there was a time where I was deliriously, ridiculously, madly in love with two different people. Of opposite gender. At the exact same time. It wasn't that long ago either. I'm a whole new person now, perhaps because of the love of those two people. I haven't decided if (or when) I'm going to mention names. Perhaps I'll give both of the pseudonyms (or let them choose for themselves), perhaps I'll just reference them by gender.

What I do know is that, even now, they are both very important to me. He is the most important person in my life (next to my daughter). He is intelligent, well-spoken, devious, soft, sensitive and wonderful. He keeps me in line (literally and figuratively, as he is also functioning as my dominant male), he keeps me grounded, he mellows me out when I need to calm down. We both try so hard at being good for each other. What we don't know is that we are good. We have what most people don't - the desire to try. The desire to succeed. It's a lesson I've learned from him, one for which I'll be eternally grateful.

She is still one of the most kind-hearted, sweet, genuine people that I know. We've been through some drama together and have both undergone some major changes in the past few months, but still I am drawn to her. We've moved past the romantic thing (perhaps prematurely) and are trying to reform a friendship that has seemingly been lost to time lately. I've hurt her, I've pulled back - I can feel that - but it's only because I'm trying to parse what this latest change means.

I've been forever changed by the love of these two people. His love has always been red to me - passionate, consuming, raw. Her love was more pink - sweet, innocent, full of emotional connection. They really couldn't be more different, but they also couldn't be more alike.

So I write this, as a tribute, to the two people who have loved me through it all. Rain or shine, good or bad, anger or sweetness. Although sometimes it feels as though love is elusive, painted with a sparsely bristled brush on an aging canvas, the truth is that love never really fades. It's still there, in the shadow of some past tense, waiting to reincarnate into a new design. Matter is never created or destroyed, states the first law of thermodynamics, and neither is love. Of course, the second law of thermodynamics deals with entropy and matter in disorder, but we'll forget that at the moment. Love is always around us, everywhere we look.

Love shines in my eyes all the time. It is because I love, and am loved, that I can be as strong as I really believe I am sometimes. As John Samson from The Weakerthans sang - "I swear I more than half believe it when I say that somewhere love and justice shine."

If only we could find that place, curl up and fall asleep forever.

This entry was posted by Mellie, on Thursday, May 19, 2005.