Living with someone can be a buzzkill. That romance, the initial spark of intimacy and attraction, is often lost in the day to day living. There's nothing romantic about going to the bathroom, arguing about finances and making shopping lists.

In many ways, my darker side has been hidden under layer upon layer of mundane life. I wake up, clean, cook, parent, sleep, work... you know the drill. I'm so concerned with taking care of Bear after surgery that I see him less and less like a sex object and more and more like a dependent. He's not, not really, but I can't help that I can sometimes have a strong maternal drive that kicks in at inopportune times.

Much like Stella, I'm working on getting my groove back. I need to flip that switch in my head that takes Bear from ouchie backed man to my big strong male again.

Now if I could only find that switch.

I've been so consumed by triviality that I didn't notice the undefinable "fun part" of my life had slid slowly out of focus. I've been working, cleaning, parenting, relationshipping (yeah, I know it's not a word. Blow me.) for probably a month now without really enjoying myself.
I need to work on that.

Life is short and beautiful. There's not enough time to be boring and preoccupied.

Typically, springtime is my time of renewal. I'm very driven by seasonal change, as though my DNA is in tune with those things that my ancestors remembered and modern people tend to forget.

Due to issues entirely out of my control, I've been thrust into "fight or flight" territory. My only choice is to sink or swim. I can dwell in my misery and pull against the reins or I can thrust myself headfirst into the wind and go where it takes me.

Bear and I are well. After some momentary arguing about some ingrained issues (that tend to reoccur spontaneously), we're on the road back to discovering the fire that brought us together in the first place. Keeping the romance alive, so to speak, becomes difficult after a tumultuous year and a half in which the physical and emotional caretaker roles switched hands entirely. Re energizing patience, finding our way back to physical intimacy... much easier said than done.

I'll be writing more here. I'm almost done with school for the semester and ready to rock and roll, baby.

I can't decide if I feel like this:


Or like this:


I had to euthanize my cat on Friday. While I'm positive I made the right decision, especially taking into account her declining heath and quality of life, that doesn't make it any easier. I still listen for the sound of her tiny paws scratching at the carpet to mark her territory. I miss the way she had absolutely no regard for anyone - she'd sit at the end of the bed precisely where the TV was just so no one would see around her and she'd be able to soak up all our attention.

While there are kittens in the future, a house without animals is no house I would ever want to live in, I'm just way too devastated to even think about the possibility. She was my baby, my only child for 2 years before having my daughter, and I'll miss her more than I could ever express.

Life is ugly and meaningless sometimes. Goodbye, my beautiful friend.


I love you.