Add yourself to my world map, so I can see where you're coming from! :)

Just click here!

Hopefully, a lengthier post with pictures will come later today or tomorrow!

As I was driving home from my father's this afternoon (a girl has to do free laundry somewhere!), I took a long cut through the downtown area on a lark. Driving South on Center Street, I passed a retirement home with an elderly man sitting in a wheelchair outside. He seemed so serene, gazing at all the cars that passed his way. And I suddenly had the urge to cry.

Is that all there is to life? Dying as you sit outside the only home your decaying body can function at while you stare at a parking garage and wait for the reaper to call your number? There's no heroic battles to be won, no final mountains to climb? If that's all there is to life, I want out now. I can't handle the monotony. I can't handle the certainty of it, day after day being wheeled into that same place, watching the same corporate assholes driving by thinking that they're so important and feeling incredibly sorry for me... that seems a fate worse than death.

If I could plan my life out I would have it all. Great battles to be won, great loves, a perfect relationship with my daughter, my dream job... but life doesn't work like that. At the very least, when I leave this life, I want to go out in a blaze of glory. I don't want to sit outside an old folks' home, waiting for my time to come. I want to be rock climbing, sky diving, having sex in the pouring rain. I want to know I did my best, tried my hardest, failed and succeeded gracefully and with dignity and honor. Based on that, I doubt I'll be going anywhere anytime soon.

I just had the best orgasm. It started out simple - I was going to fuck a pillow until I came. It got more involved after that - I got out the nipple clamps, vibrator, lube, dildo... I fucked myself in the ass while riding the vibrator and pulling on the clamps. It was a great orgasm. I'm just so goddamn adventerous when I'm alone, sometimes.

I need... to hear the sound of my leather sofa as we cuddle closer to watch a movie together.
I want... to know just how much you love me.
I must... admit that I am afraid and work past that.

I need... your gentle kisses on my neck as you tell me that you need me.
I want... you by my side for the rest of our lives.
I must... appreciate and accept the differences between us and how that makes us stronger.

I need... to feel your naked body against me as we breathe gently in our sleep.
I want... to be your wife.
I must... give you time and space to realize that we really are good for each other.

I guess time can heal all wounds, if given the opportunity.

It's nearly 10 PM, and I'm unbearably horny. Bear is busy with work and has been pretty unavailable lately, so I can't bother him. Fucked if I don't want to be tied up and ravaged right now though. God damn god damn god damn.

It's official. I'm back in therapy.

My first appointment is Friday, just a few hours before I hop in my car and drive 5 hours to visit probably the best friend I've ever known. It promises to be a fairly relaxing weekend - lots of staying in and watching movies, going to parks and old familiar restaurants, staying up late to discuss what's been going on with us in the past few years. I miss her so much and I can hardly believe it's been that long since we've seen each other. She's so many things to me; I can't wait to feel centered again.

And I also can't wait to get back into therapy. I don't feel like I need it to be a functional person, but I feel like at certain times of my life I just need that impartial person there telling me I'm either right or smoking crack. There have been a few internal issues lately that I really need addressed - things that need to be changed for my relationship with Bear to move from unhealthy to healthy. I still tend to be a bit fearful every single day; afraid of being left. I'm much more stable and even keeled than I used to be, but I still need to make more gains in my life for my internal self to be healthy. And I'm happy that I'm getting an opportunity to do that - it feels like being born again.

And, for all your perverts out there, I intend on writing in detail about my weekend with Bear. If he sends me the pictures, hint hint, I'll also post a few *ahem* visual aids.

The days ebb and flow quickly around here. The day ends much too quickly for my liking, with the sun setting around 6:30 PM and bathing me in total darkness by 7. My mood follows that pattern, becoming darker and darker with each passing day. It's the natural cycle of the seasons and it's the natural cycle of my mind.

I'm very at peace right now though. For the moment, everything seems ok. My relationship, although in definite need of a tune up, is the most stable it's been in a few weeks. My sexual relationship with him is definitely back on track. My mind is clear; I'm seeing things that I need to tweak about myself that I would have never seen a few weeks ago. My relationship with my daughter is great, my house is getting cleaner by the day, school is going well.

I'm grateful for all these things and yet I still crave more. A better relationship with Bear, a better relationship with myself. More trust, more honesty, more intimacy. I know it will come, I'm calm in the knowledge that everything must take time. It's a first for me. ;)

I'm still here, still alive, just busy busy busy! I'll write more when things calm down a bit.

So, I'm not done posting on here. I'm not ready to let romantic issues take over my life outside of my relationship. I may be waiting for the final verdict, but that doesn't mean I need to place the rest of my life on hold. I refuse to do that.

I had lunch with an old friend today. It was great. We talked about life, love, children, politics... it was just nice to catch up. Afterwards I had a great conversation with a more recent friend about my love life and she really helped to put things into perspective for me. Thanks! I look forward to going out with you whenever our job schedules decide to stop conflicting!

So, I'm back. Your adorable little little slut, the Bombpop martini with the killer pussy shot. And I don't intend on going anywhere for a long long time. If I've learned anything in the last year, it's that my independence is extremely important to me. I can't let one facet of my life negatively affect another. I enjoy writing. So I'm going to write, both through the pain and the tears and through the joy and the ear to ear smiles. Sit back and enjoy the ride.

P.S. - I had a fantastic orgasm this afternoon. Lots of time to kill led the shaky legs and trembling arms. Delicious.

Apparently when people think of me, they think of "Bombpop Martini," "little little slut," and "pussy shot." I guess I'm just a harlot with a heart of gold and excellent tastes. ;)

I may be done posting on here for awhile. While I'm sure you're all very concerned about my romantic trials and tribulations, there are just some things I can't say on here freely. I have a dark side and sometimes my emotions get the best of me. I'm going to be doing a lot of personal letter writing (you know all of you have written letters you don't intend people to see at least once!), and I don't want to put all that negativity onto you. I need to get it out, but that doesn't mean I need to put it into the world. I guess this is just one more sign that I'm growing older.

Tonight, I'm emotionally drained. Bear and I talked last night, which is what prompted yesterday's post. Talking quickly evolved into mild-mannered arguing, discussing the current state of our relationship. Every once in awhile, he says, I say something hateful. Sometimes it's letting my mouth get the best of me, other times it can be too quickly dismissing something that has a lot of emotional relevance to my partner.

Many things were said last night - some hurtful, some truthful, some hurtful because they were so truthful. He did mention something last night that really stuck with me. He asked me, in no uncertain terms, why it is that I immediately go to the worse case scenario. It's something that's come up with me before... I like it call it my nuclear button. It's that little red button that I press that just flattens everything around me. I feel safer, I feel defended... but often at the cost of everyone that means anything too me.

The truth is, that button is much smaller and much more camouflaged these days. It's rare that I even think about it. I've begun to build a wall around in so that I can keep myself and those I love safe from my blow-ups. But, rarely, something sparks it. This time, I hung up the phone instead of letting it incinerate everything. But it's almost as though he wants me to remember how dysfunctional I was. He reminds me that I used to be more fucked up, which reminds me of those safety valves I was trying so hard to forget.

I'm not perfect. I'm not going to be perfect. I have worth as a flawed human being. I may not ever remove those more basic instincts, but I want him to love me knowing that I've struggled to become better for me and for us. I want him to remember my past, but I don't want to be approached with caution for the rest of my life.

I just want to be us. I want the trust he places in my hands every time we're intimate together to extend into our relationship. I want him to understand that I do stumble and I do fall, but I get right back up and keep moving. I can see his points - he's worried that I'm not looking out for him or that I'm considering everyone else before him. But that's simply not true. If he would talk to any of my friends, they would tell him how proud I am of him that he's going to law school. I just want to find something equally great with him. I want both of our dreams to come true. Who says they can't?

Every time I think I'm healing, every time I feel a bit better about us and our relationship... there it is. The "it" is always different - sometimes just a feeling, other times a glance or a few words. Today he told me he felt ambivalent about our relationship. The look in his eyes, the uncomfortable silence... my heart was broken all over again.

Why can't I be someone's permanent girl? Why do they always find something to pick on, some scab to recover... why do I have to constantly feel so temporary in everything? Why can't I find love that lasts, goddamnit? I thought I had it, I still think I have it even though his words have made me feel otherwise.

I have scars. I have scabs. I have open wounds. I am a living, breathing human being. What person can escape this life without some sort of permanent way to remember their trials? I'm proud of my scars. They make me alive. I've been through lots of hardship and heartache. I had a not so happy childhood, I've led a not so conservative life. I'm afraid of being left and feeling cast aside.

Once, just once... I want to tell him to leave. I want him to refuse to go, I want him to stay and fight. For me. For us. I want him to feel something towards me besides ambivalence. I want him not to fuck me like he loves me before he turns me away. I guess I'm asking too much.

Fall is here, the clues are everywhere... the smell of natural gas as I walk into my heated apartment, the leaves in their spiral path from tree to ground, the chilled way I grip my jacket to my body (cognizant that it isn't nearly bulky enough to keep me warm).

As the temperatures dip lower and lower at night, the promise of snow soon to come is on the air. With that, the realization of the seasons as they relate to my relationship. This is the first time in two years that I'll have these cooler seasons on my own. I won't be able to pounce Bear at eight in the morning to tell him that the first snowfall is beginning. I won't be able to go holiday shopping with him alone at ten at night, only to come home and stay up until two in the morning to wrap Christmas presents while Dean Martin sings drunken carols. I won't be able to wake up next to him early Christmas morning to watch my daughter excitedly open her presents.

There's no positive here, no spin I can put on that to make it feel any better or hurt any less. I'm alone again for the holidays, and I'd prefer not to be. He'll be around, probably, unless he decides to go to San Diego for Thanksgiving or Japan for Christmas. He sees the holidays as far less important than I do, and I guess I just have to get used to that.

The holidays are extremely important to me, and not for any religious meaning. Holidays to me mean warmth, security, safety, love. They allow me to reconnect with the important people in my life and share of myself - emotionally and financially. Spending time with the people I love... that's what the holidays are to me. I guess he sees them as something of a bother; his life wasn't exactly full of warm and fuzzy family moments. I just wish we could strike some sort of a compromise that doesn't make the other one feel like we're being left out in the cold or forced to do something we don't want to do.

It's my 24th birthday, I'm taking a much needed day off. :)

My head has been drowning in a sea of thought over the last 24 hours or so, however much I've tried to ignore it. Like a mother watching over a newborn baby, every small thing seems to hold a hint of so much more. The movement of a leg speaks in novel form of future walks down the aisle; every small coo reminds the mother of how quickly her new baby will be speaking her mind. If I'm guilty of anything it's being superstitious. I believe that the whole world has a story to tell, hints to provide us if only we'll stop for a moment and listen to her.

Driving home from meeting my ex-husband halfway to pick my daughter up, my senses seemed to be functioning at an almost altruistic speed. They didn't care that I was driving almost 20 miles over the speed limit; they demanded my immediate attention. Pen went to paper while my eyes stayed on the road. I wrote like my hands were possessed, not knowing what would be on the back of the envelope when I dared to look at it.

The orange sun sunk slowly beneath the horizon and, with it, hues of blue, pink, purple, yellow and tangerine. It cast corridors of light over a small pond on private property, living the American dream of the acres and the white picket fence. It seemed to move behind a halo of trees at an almost surreal speed; daring me to watch it, double daring me to expose its secret to the world.

I took an unknown drive on the way home, getting off at an exit I had never traveled before but intrinsically knowing the way. Squirrels raced my car through the small town's park, bounding through grass almost as tall as they were. A few miles down a dusty back road, I was graced with a quarter of a rainbow. I smiled to myself, reminded that this life is not even close to being over. It's only really just begun to reveal its true glory.

On my left was the rainbow; on my right was the now reddening sinking sun. On my left was the last few green lawns of the season, barely holding on to its beauty with advanced irrigation; on my right was the broken orange corn stalks left over from the season's harvest. Life and death. Hope and despair.

It all hit me in that moment. The car ride, the path I thought was unknown to me was a path I had taken out of town with my sweet Bear in our first few months of being together. We were so passionate then - driving around to find places to park so we could fuck on the hood of my car. Holding each other's hand as if the devil himself might try to pry us apart. Crying because we loved each other so much. It was all right there. And nothing was different.

Tears dripped down my cheeks as I watched the rainbow lead us home, lead me to the place where I first met Bear. A place filled with bittersweetness, love and betrayal. The thought of losing him loomed in my mind. I wiped the tears away, fighting them back with all the strength I had yet. "I will not let this be over," I said quietly to myself. "I will not let them win."

As I pulled into my destination (my birthday party), I glanced again at the rainbow. It was all there - the full, beautiful, miles high wonder. I felt a joy and fulfillment in that moment that I haven't known lately. I learned later that it was even more rare than that. It was a double rainbow (I'll have pictures later this week). And I felt more blessed and hopeful - maybe life has another curve ball in store for me. I can't wait to find out.

It was over yesterday, for a few minutes anyway.

I don't feel good about it ending though. I thought I did, but when it came time to tell him that I worried he wasn't enough in love with me I crumbled. I told him everything - how I felt, how it affected me. He told me everything too - how he feels like I don't support him enough, how mad he was at me.

Where do we go from here? I don't know. We're still together, but he's distant. I'm ready to work on things, I want to go with him to law school, but I'm not sure if that will happen. We have a year until it's time to go, we're both going to try to iron things out before then. Needless to say, the January marriage was a pipedream. And now I have to tell my whole family that. At my birthday party.

I'd be a fool if I said I knew where this was going to go. He has issues with his independence (he's never had to answer to anyone else but himself), and I have issues with dependence (although I'm much more independent than I used to be). I don't want to get hurt and, more importantly, I don't want my daughter to get hurt. She loves him, he's like a father to her. I don't want to throw that away.

I'm scared and ansy. For months now, I've felt like he's both holding me at arm's length and waiting to leave me. I feel like I'm a mere moment away from getting the axe, and it's a horrible way to live. I'm terrified he's going to find someone better than me, someone without a daughter and an ex-husband. Someone who will fuck him all day long and not have to worry about other things like family, school and job. I just don't feel special anymore, which is why I'm going back to counseling.

I'm really done writing now. This was supposed to be a vent session, but it's only made me feel worse. Life without him is unacceptable. I only wanted to end things because all I want is the best for him, but he doesn't see that. He sees me as selfish. And that hurts more than you can imagine.

We had sex yesterday, but I'm not ready to write about that. I trust him so much that way; it would destroy me to lose that.