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Brief update.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005 by Mellie











This is how my right breast looks this evening, and I'm still not sorry.


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Daddy's little pain slut, or god it fucking hurts don't you dare stop.

Monday, August 29, 2005 by Mellie










After a horribly debauched weekend that I barely recovered from in time for work and school this morning (perhaps I'll go into the details at a later time - suffice it to say there was lots of alcohol, foul language and sloppy kissing...), Bear and I finally had time to play with our new Chicago acquisitions. See evidence above! (Also, if you can't picture what I'm talking about, there are visual aids at the bottom of this entry. They're not exactly the ones we have, but it'll give you a pretty good idea of what I'm writing about).

I laid on the bed, face down and completely naked, mildly shaking from both fear and arousal. Bear straddled me and starting stroking my back with the furry side of the vampire glove. He ran it over my back, my ass, my upper thighs, my cunt... I tried my hardest not to convulse with pleasure. Then I felt the shift. Bear got more serious, I got more frightened. The needles began to dig into my skin, drawing blood and forming welts. He raked it over my back and ass, pressing harder each time. I clung to the bed, holding on for dear life. It hadn't turned to pleasure yet, all I was feeling was pain and ripped flesh.

It hit me a few moments later. Ever stroke became a reverie, every drop of blood was another ounce of contentment I gained in my soul. People who aren't into pain don't understand that it can drive you to a bliss previously unknown in waking life. There is no real way to explain it, except to say it's better than any orgasm could possibly be.

I flipped over onto my back after that, and Bear broke out the Wartenburg wheel for a few delicious minutes. He dug it into my nipples as it made its way down my breasts and stomach. It stopped on my clit for a few moments, than made its way back up my naked body to attack my other nipple. I could hear Bear getting more and more turned on, proving this as he flipped me over onto my hands and knees and roughly entered me.

He put the vampire glove back on and began crushing my right breast in it. I screamed into the pillow, tears were flowing down my face. I sobbed, I moaned, I grew more and more wet with each drop of blood flowing from my tortured breast. I reached a sort of ecstasy last night that I hadn't known before, even when I was cutting myself for emotional gratification throughout junior and high school. And I know I need to experience it more often.

























Courtesy of Extreme Restraints - one of the best online bondage shops!


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Normal life waits for no man (or woman!)

Wednesday, August 24, 2005 by Mellie

Oh, blah blah blah. I'm getting married. Blah blah blah. We had a nice vacation. Let's get back to what I know you guys really want...




PUSSY!






I shaved this evening. It took forever; I felt the Persian cat who comes into my place of employment for regular mat detangling and ass clipping. I had to have worn out my extremely dutiful and loyal Venus razor blade. I know I was beginning to wear out my shaving arm and my back. All the contortions, all the vigorous back and forth motion... I'm beginning to understand what it must feel like to fuck me!

In other news... we're currently looking into plastic surgery costs. It's not that I'm vain, though I can be. It's that the physical responsibility of having a child - the hundred pounds I gained just four years ago, that fact that my breasts had swollen nearly twice their size to make room for the milk I produced to feed my daughter, the unpleasant stretch marks still left on various parts of my body even after losing nearly eighty pounds... those aren't things that can be naturally changed. I'd love to be happy looking at myself in the mirror again. I'd love to feel desirable. Isn't it silly, mere months away from committing myself (legally) to one person for the rest of my life (that isn't prose, I'm simply too damn stubborn to get divorced again), that I'm worried about looking pretty naked?

Anyway, I'd like to have a tummy tuck and a breast lift done. Just a little something to make me feel better. I'm not lazy. I eat fairly healthy, I try to exercise. It's the little things I can't fix that drive me insane. Though, for fuck's sake, Bear loved me twenty pounds heavier. He loves me now. I must be just a silly girl.

I don't know. Just ideas bouncing around in my head. Vanity at it's finest... trying to convince itself it's not vain.

"Vanity and pride are different things, though the words are often used synonymously. A person may be proud without being vain. Pride related more to our opinion of ourselves; vanity, to what we would have others think of us."
--Jane Austen

I guess I really need to think on that.


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So, the time has come...

Tuesday, August 23, 2005 by Mellie

It looks like it's finally going to happen. Hell has officially frozen over....

We're getting married. Three years later, we're actually going to tie the knot. Probably around January. In the spirit of our personalities, we probably won't do too much planning of the actual ceremony (it will probably be just Bear, myself and our witnesses). The reception, however, has the possibility of getting entirely out of hand (in a good way). More details to come as we bullshit our way through them...


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My Weekend...Part Three.

by Mellie

Sunday morning dawned with Bear's hand up my shirt. He was breathing heavy in my ear, and I knew what he wanted. His hard cock strained its way through his boxer briefs and pressed itself snuggly against my left leg as he caressed me. I was sleepy and wasn't really in the mood, so I played dead. Somewhere during the time he pinched my nipples and the time he slid his hand into my panties, I woke up. I didn't let on, of course, as rape and non-consensual fantasies top my list of things that make me wet and slippery.

He slid a finger into my cunt, then two and finally three. He might have gotten four in, I'm not sure. It made me incredibly hot to have this man nearly fisting me while I slept. The fact that he wanted to fuck me so badly that he didn't care if I was awake or not made my pussy drip and my mind reel. I let him drag me off the bed and throw me onto the chaise, and I let him pull my clothes off and fuck me. After the first couple of thrusts, I gave myself away.

"How long were you awake?"

"Oh, the whole time."

"I love you, my delicious little slut."

"I love you too!"

Afterwards, we showered and dressed together. We decided to head to the Chicago Diner for lunch, a delicious little vegetarian/vegan restaurant next to Boy's Town (the notoriously gay area). We ate, talked, laughed, nearly exploded from stomach stuffing goodness.

Coffee and a short walk later, we found ourselves in one of the best porn shops ever - Leather Sport. A wonderful gay man helped us for about an hour, telling me that he would put a big giant picture of me up on the wall if I did a Suicide Girls' set with a bunny tail buttplug. We walked away with nearly $200 less in our pockets - and a very full black plastic bag bursting with toys.
We bought a vampire glove, a ribbed dildo with a handle, that wonderful vibe I featured a few entries back, a few rolls of bondage tape and a Wartenburg wheel. I can't wait to try them all out. *grin*

We mostly walked around after that, shopping on the Magnificent Mile. The drive back was long, but fantastic. We talked, we listened to music... we were together in all the best senses of the word. I'll definitely remember this vacation for a long time, but I hope this is just the first in a long line of great vacations to come.


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My Weekend... Part Two.

Monday, August 22, 2005 by Mellie

After the obligatory frustrations surrounding any attempt at getting away for the weekend, Bear and I had the best vacation we've ever had... hands down. It began with his adorable desire to surprise and spoil me; handing me a Mapquest print out and telling me to get him there. He wouldn't tell me where we were going, or even if he had any idea.

"We'll see when we get there," he said. And when we got there, well, this is what I saw...















That is the Sofitel, ladies and gentlemen. One of the finest hotels I have ever stayed at, hands down. It was simply beautiful. We walked in, just a punk and his girl (a mess of leather jackets, studded belts and freshly dyed hair), ignoring the princesses incapable of carrying their own bags, and feeling like we owned the world.

After checking in, we rode the elevator to the eighth floor where we encountered one of the prettiest rooms I've ever stayed in.















That is a publicity photo, but I swear the room looked almost exactly like that. We could see some of the Chicago skyline out the window, and I breathed in every bit of city air I could fit into my lungs.

After relaxing and having sex for a bit, we headed here...













That's the Metro. The Metro was essentially my home as a teenager - a bastion of skinhead, punk rock and rude girl/boy culture - a place that raised me up to be strong, tough and capable of standing up for myself.

We saw a band called the Red Sparowes (which followed some horrific band that I've almost completely wiped out of my memory. The word "shit" is the closest to describing the horror, but even that doesn't sum it up. I can't remember ever being at a show that I wanted to leave that quickly; Bear and I ended up sitting in the lobby for most of it!). Anyway, that probably one of the most unique shows I've ever seen. It was ethereal and trance inducing, yet at the same time heavy and pounding. There were three guitarists and no vocalist, and every song seemed written as though there was a deeper meaning that they were trying to drill into your subconscious. They projected grainy black and white stock footage of what Bear and I figure was probably World War Two behind them, and we were both sucked in so deeply we didn't know which way was up by the end.

Afterwards, it was off to Rezas.


Rezas is this great middle eastern restaurant, where Bear and I both gorged ourselves on all sorts of delightful vegetarian Persian food. There were dips, cheeses, bread, tea... it was glorious.

We walked back to our hotel, probably about a 20 minutes walk, stopping to ogle graphic design books and modern furniture through windows. It was dark, the moon was full and the world seemed somehow magical.

To top off the night, we had desert at the Sofitel's restaurant.
















It was delicious, creme brulee and two glasses of aged port wine. I ate most of his fruit - fresh blueberries, raspberries and blackberries (those I didn't touch), while we talked about the world, the city, music, politics... you name it.

That was mostly the end to our night, besides watching the last round of the World Poker Championship and a minor freakout on my part where I talked about needing to get married. More on that later, I'm sure. Right now, I must attend to some chemistry homework and chatting with Bear about the things I'll be writing about tomorrow. Until then, adieu.


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My weekend... Part One.

by Mellie

This is me, post haircut. It's short and, though you can't see it, has extremely bitching burgundy highlights.










This is my new best friend. Welcome the Krystal Utopia vibrator. Notice the pearls that move either clockwise or counterclockwise inside the dildo. Fantastic. How's that for a "flag," bitches!


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Well, this is new!

Friday, August 19, 2005 by Mellie

It may be that I've just overlooked it, but glance up into the right hand corner of my blog. See it? Notice anything questionable?

That's right. Blogger now has a new "Flag" feature. That means if you don't like me OR what I'm saying, you can press a button like a coward and report me. Just so we're clear here, I track IP
addresses. If any one chooses to report me without first shooting me an email at ainegirl@gmail.com explaining why they're against free speech, well, let's just leave it at there will be hell to pay.

Have a nice day.

For the record, I'm not addressing any of my readers. I'm addressing the people who will fly by night visit and may have a personal vendetta against me or disagree with what I'm saying. I love all my readers. :)


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God...

Thursday, August 18, 2005 by Mellie

I feel so beautiful after I come.


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Tired.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005 by Mellie

"Sometimes it is harder to deprive oneself of a pain than of a pleasure."
-- F. Scott Fitzgerald

Lately, my time has been limited to small spurts between pressures and demands on my time. I wake up and have a glorious fifteen minutes between waking and the time I have to get ready. I drop my daughter off at daycare, I go to work. I have an hour for lunch, during which I usually stress about what I need to get done versus what I should have gotten done weeks ago. I go back to work, pick my daughter up at daycare, figure out dinner and field impossible and usually frustrating questions/requests/demands/suggestions for the rest of the night. These days, it's a rare night that she goes to sleep before ten o'clock. It's about nine thirty now and she's still going strong. Even my nights aren't my own. Four out of every five weekdays find my daughter taking up more room in my bed than I am allowed.

It's little wonder why I'm left, at the end of the day, with no sexual energy or appetite. Sexuality, to me, is something that is fluid and natural. However, my sexuality is also demanding and intense. I've found the closest to a compatible sexual partner in my Bear, but even he doesn't always understand me. Some days I want to really mean it when I say no, and others I just want to be loved and cuddled and adored. There's no rhyme or reason to my tastes; no way of figuring them out from moment to moment.

Needless to say, I'm too tired right now to elaborate much on anything. It's bound to get worse before it gets better, with the addition of twelve credit hours of school on Monday. *le sigh* I am, however, getting my hair cut Saturday. I'll post pics when I get them!


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Jumping in...

Sunday, August 14, 2005 by Mellie

"You're alive. Do something. The directive in life, the moral imperative was so uncomplicated. It could be expressed in single words, not complete sentences. It sounded like this: Look. Listen. Choose. Act."
-- Barbara Hall

It's hard for me to really see when I'm foolishly rushing into things versus when I'm proceeding quickly because I know in my heart that things are right. I'm a huge believer in reckless abandon. Life has a way of teaching us lessons, whether we proceed quickly or step gingerly. I'd rather jump in head-first than stick my toe into the shallow end. At least if it's going to end badly, we'll get there sooner rather than later. I've looked, I've listened, I've made my choice and now I'm prepared to act... and that's all I'm going to say about it at the moment.

Well, that and I just absolutely LOVE that picture. One person CAN take on the world. That's proof.

No horny ramblings today. Haven't actually had sex for over a week. Can't remember how it feels. Ok, that last part isn't entirely true. There's just been a lot going on, and I have mental pictures of dead puppies and kitties in my head while I'm getting used to the new job, so I haven't been the most aroused little bunny lately. Maybe this weekend I'll have something to write about. I certainly hope so!

*I didn't forget that I promised to elaborate on the previous entry's quote. I'll probably do that tomorrow unless something dramatic happens. Fear not, adorable worriers.*


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Thursday, August 11, 2005 by Mellie

"To be an adult is to be alone."
-- Jean Rostand


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Gratuitous pussy shot included at the end of this. Read, perverts. Don't cheat!

Wednesday, August 10, 2005 by Mellie

"Those who restrain desire, do so because theirs is weak enough to be restrained."
-- William Blake
I was going to write about my aspirations for life... the little things that keep me going and make me hope for the future. Instead, I'm going to write about a moment that happen just an hour or so ago.

After putting my darling daughter to bed, Bear and I came out to the living room. We collapsed into the couch - my legs over his, his arms wrapped around me. The cool leather felt nice against my bare arms, a nice relaxing contrast to his body weight pressing down on me as he came in for a kiss.

At that moment, the world ceased to exist. It was almost as if all the good things about our previous life together, all the wonderful moments at the end of the day when we truly started to unwind and be ourselves around each other, came crashing back. Something important clicked into place. Can't say what that was just yet... but I know that it is imperative for us to exist in this new reality.

And, as I promised, a gratuitous pussy shot...










This is my Delilah girl. What a pretty pussy she is. Sorry for the con, but you pervs can be tricked WAY too easily. Serves you right. I know I'm cute, but I think I write pretty well too!


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Little voices in my head. And no, I'm not schizophrenic.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005 by Mellie

"Learn to get in touch with the silence within yourself and know that everything in this life has a purpose."
--Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Silence is, and will probably always be, one of my biggest issues. When the silence falls, I hear echoes in my head. Echoes of my sadness, my frustration, my self-deprecation... little voices putting bad ideas into my head, telling me I'm not good enough and never will be good enough.

Most of the time, I'm capable of shaking them off and telling them (in no uncertain terms) to fuck off. When I think about it, though, I need those little voices in my head. Everyone I consider either a friend or a family member (sometimes both!) is incredibly supportive. They all know I'm smart, driven and fired up. They believe that I can do whatever I put my mind to. The little voices in my head tell me I can't. These days, I barely even give them a second thought. I fight harder for what I want, and fight harder against what they say I can't do.

They've taught me, over the years, that I am beautiful (kind, intelligent, funny, wonderful...) enough to deserve to be treated well. They've taught me that I can go back to school after taking some time off, and that I can do well at it. They've taught me that I'm one hell of a parent, and that sometimes it's up to me to be my own example.

I'm thinking about getting back into meditation to master my quiet place. I'm tired of being afraid of what lurks there. I have nothing in my past (save for the two times I've been raped and the history of my mother being incredibly psychologically abusive - nothing like calling me stupid or anything, but constantly making me feel as though I should live my life afraid and that nothing I ever do is right) that would require a therapist to delve into it with me. Autumn is always the time that I do more hardcore internal work, anyways. Yeah for Yoga! Yeah for meditation! Yeah for feeling centered! Ra ra ra!


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A work in progress.

Monday, August 08, 2005 by Mellie

"When you have given nothing, ask for nothing."
--Albanian Proverb

Some days, I feel like a martyr. I feel like I've given up everything that has meant anything to me for nothing. I feel like I've suffered and made difficult choices so that other people's lives could be a walk through the roses.

And then I wake up. I throw the proverbial cold water onto my face.

"You stupid, stupid girl," I say. And I'm right.

I am a stupid girl. At least mildy. I don't realize just how good I have it, some days. When I look at the facts, laid out in front of me on a gurnee, I begin to see the true light on my path.

I have given a lot, on this quest for self-enlightenment. I have put up with some behavior that were and are completely unacceptable to me. So has he. We were anything but nice to each other for the year or so that we lived together. But now, well, now is different. I have given a lot to save and salvage this relationship and he has as well. We've both given a lot, so we can rightfully ask for a lot in return. It's nice to have a dialogue. One that we deserve and that we've both earned.

No noteworthy sex to report. We fucked for a bit last night, but I had something that resembled the flu so I spend most of the night bowing to another master (if you catch my drift). We're also in the hunt for another collar (I can't wear my studded cat collar to work anymore), so I'll keep you posted when we find another alternative. I just hope it buckles. There's something about the silver buckle...


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Relationship upkeep.

Sunday, August 07, 2005 by Mellie

"What else is love but understanding and rejoicing in the fact that another person lives, acts and experiences otherwise than we do...?"
--Friedrich Nietzsche

Last night, he walked out the door. It was 1:30 in the morning, and I stood in shock peeking out my bedroom window as his car drove away in the night. It was almost surreal. Five minutes later, the phone rang. I didn't want to pick it up, but I did.

"I love you," he said. "I wish I would have said that before I left."

I didn't know what to say. I was angry, upset, sad... all things that don't lead to the honest discussions and a conversation where I don't inflict personal harm. I know myself much better these days, so I chose not to say anything. I listened; I tried to open up my whole heart and mind and listen.

We fought again last night, for the first time in a few months. It was a lack of communication or, rather, our emotional back-up leading to both of us mishearing/misunderstanding the other. He heard me say that his relationship with my daughter was the more important than his relationship with me, and all I saw was the man I love getting angry with me and leaving.

We're better today. He understands the things that I need that are non-negotiable (quality time, not just over the phone or instant message, spent with my daughter and I) and I understand his non-negotiables (decompression time after work). We're still suturing the wounds from our previous relationship, and I think we both were a bit shocked by how far we still have to go. We've definitely grown in leaps and bounds, especially when it comes to his relationship with my daughter, but the argument last night reinforced my belief that relationships always require upkeep.

But, to paraphrase Nietzsche, love is about understanding that no one thinks/acts/loves exactly like you do. Accepting and loving the person more for it. I'm working on that part. ;)

And, oh yes, there was make-up sex. I'll write about later. LOL. The only thing better than make-up sex is grudge fucking.


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A new day cometh (no pun intended!)

Wednesday, August 03, 2005 by Mellie

It was my last day at the pet store and, I have to admit, it felt a little bittersweet. I'll miss everyone there - the playboy, the kid, the diva, the earth mama and the enigma. I have contact numbers (and vice versa) for all of them, but life generally gets in the way. I won't have time, come fall semester, for dining and chatting. I may be able to get in a few lunches a month with the playboy (once school starts) and I'll be able to hit the bar with the enigma every once in awhile, but my time will mostly be dedicated to veterinary medicine, my daughter, my Bear and myself. In that order.

I'm looking forward to work tomorrow, though I don't know how I will handle it. I'm a very empathetic person, and being around sick/dying animals eight hours a day might quickly wear down my defenses. It will also, on the other hand, remind me what I'm fighting to accomplish and just how much I can really help them out.

I know this is short, and I apologize. I'm tired and I must be up early. I'm finally joining the working stiffs. Speaking of stiff...

Have I told you I love my Bear lately?


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I'm a lucky girl, believe it or not.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005 by Mellie

"In all affairs it's a healthy thing now and then to hang a question mark on the things you have long taken for granted."
-- Bertrand Russell

I agree with that statement (much the same as I generally agree with most Bertrand Russell philosophy) wholeheartedly. I try not to take anything for granted in my life. The people who are important to me know that I love them, I try to make sure they know that every day. I don't believe in introversion for introversion's sake, but I do believe in doing a mental check in every once in awhile to be sure that your priorities are where you thought they were. Here's my mental check-in...

Bear - Sweet, sweet Bear. Love of my life. Every day, as I leave the house, I find myself frantically checking my neck for his collar. It's not that I'm afraid of reprisal (I usually enjoy the reprisal to be bluntly honest with you), it's that I want to go out and make him proud. I love that he owns me. I wouldn't want it any other way. He's kind and sensitive, loving and firm. He's the man I love and the man I want to marry. Thank you, Bear, for loving me (and in turn, making me feel worthy of love).

Caitlin - My dear one. Little adorable princess. The other love of my life. Curly headed, blue eyed, rambunctious, attitude driven almost four year old. I love watching her grow every single day (she surprised me by knowing all the words to the Bumblebee song today) and I can't wait to see her in the mornings. Thank you, Caitlin, for blessing me with such a daily humbling experience.

Kelly and Jessica - I'm lucky to have such loyal rottweilers on my side. Fierce to the very end to defend me. Great to drink with, great to go out to dinner and talk for hours with. Reminds me the meaning of true friendship. Thank you, ladies, for being such great friends.

Phedre - Yes, you made it onto here. I'm happy to have met this girl. We seem to have a lot in common and, even though we're both moving on within a year or so, I look forward to getting to know her better. She's sarcastic, funny, cute... the makings of a good friend. Thank you, Phedre, for allowing me a glimpse into your life, attitude, philosophies and issues; I can't wait to get to know you better.

Eala - What can I say? Still important to me after all these years. Once an acquaintance (EDIT: Eala reminded me that we were never aquanitances... we jumped immediately into being close friends LOL), then a friend, then a lover, now one of my best friends in the world. We plan on traveling the world together. We've known each other for years, but it feels like much longer. Plus, what a fantastic ass. Seriously. Check this out...


















Thank you, Eala, for sticking by me through all the good times and through all the horrible times. I'm happy that we can't define us. It makes us much more interesting.

I might not have much money, or much time, but I do have wonderful people who bless me with their love and friendship daily. They've proven themselves to me, and I would fight to the death for them. I appreciate each and every one of you.


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Enigmas.

Monday, August 01, 2005 by Mellie

Sometimes writing in this journal seems like a sham. I don't know who I want to be here - intellectual and politically motivated Aine, sexual and submissive Aine, funny and sarcastic Aine... I feel awkward when I'm all three at the same time. I feel like people who would be reading this journal for the hot sex that Bear and I have are turned off by the fact that I have feelings and thoughts that don't revolve around sex. I feel like the people who would be interested in my anarchist tendencies and political thoughts are turned off by the fact that I use the word cunt and talk about being fucked from behind.

I'm just so confused. I want to please everyone, but at the same time I don't really give a fuck what people think.

So I'm going to whine about what's on my mind at this exact moment. First of all, I just found out that it will take me another two years, COUNT EM, two freaking years before I can graduate. I made some minor tweakings and figured out that if I stay another semester, I can graduate with a Bachelors of Science (majoring in Agricultural Science) with a concentration in Animal Science AND a minor in Biological Science. I might as well, if I'm going to be in school the rest of my life. Bear is planning on going to law school soon (probably next fall) and I'm scared to death that I might lose him because of all this. I'm worried that if I move I'll never have the drive and ability to finish school (let alone work and raise my daughter). I can't lose him, though. Thinking about it makes me sad.

Alright, now I'm off to work where I will gripe all day about the fact that Bush appointed Bolton (asshole) during a recess. See, that was sort of sexual. Bush! Get it! :)


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about


"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-- I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference. -- Robert Frost, The Road Not Taken

I'm like that, I'm the untaken road. I walk the path that's filled with jagged rocks, spooky trees and no sunlight - but I come out the other side wiser. It's always worth the price.


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